This anxiety

I work with my aunty at a prison pharmacy. She’s a pharmacy technician and I’m a pharmacy assistant. Today I got a call from her saying that one of the pharmacists told her to tell me that my nail polish all chipped into the Webster Packs I was packing and also to not stick stickers onto the packs that I’m not meant to. And this pharmacist is one of the ‘nicer’ ones too, compared to some of the other pharmacists. Which makes me so anxious to go to work tomorrow. I fear screwing up and losing my job and feeling like even more of a failure than I already am.

My father then had a gripe at me about having to give me a lift to a friend’s house. He complained about me not making an effort to go practice driving and not passing my driving test yet. Well I’ve gone for three bloody driving tests already, I’m sorry if I just plain suck at driving. Just another aspect of life that I fail at.

I sent out my invites for my 18th birthday celebration today. Already I’m freaking out, did I invite the right people, are people going to be offended if I didn’t invite them, are people even going to come? I’m afraid that nobody will come and it will be a sad little party where nobody has turned up and I find out just how many friends I have, which may be not many at all. This is why I rarely plan events with my friends, rejection hurts.

I feel like I just try so hard to please people and if someone disapproves of me or something I did, or if someone gets offended at something I did then I just freak out.

Australian Story

I watched two episodes of the documentary Australian Story. One was Friday’s Child featuring Charmaine Dragun’s story which you can watch here. The other one was The Girl Least Likely featuring Hannah Modra’s story which you can watch here.

Charmaine Dragun was born in Perth and actually went to the same high school I went to, although I didn’t know her because she’s older than me and therefore didn’t go to the school at the same time that I did. She went on to become a popular news reader and many people in WA turned the TV on to watch her read the news in the evening. On our TV screens she’s a bright, charming and confident young woman. But behind the smiles she was actually suffering depression on anti depressants. As a teenager she also suffered from anorexia. Her family, friends and partner know that she had depression but they didn’t anticipate that she would end her life in this way.

Charmaine’s story has some similarities to Hannah’s in that they both had depression and both ended their life. But Hannah’s situation is a bit different. Hannah was only 17 when she commited suicide and she was in her final year of high school. Unlike Charmaine, no one knew about Hannah’s depression. She was someone who was did well at school, had great family and friends, participated in different activities and had a great personality. Someone who you’d think would not be very likely to be depressed and even less likely to end their life. Yet the opposite is true, she was depressed and she did end it. Which illustrates that yes, anyone can suffer from depression.

Part of what was stopping Hannah from coming out about her depression and what she was feeling was that she was afraid of being seen as weak and she was embarassed about feeling this way. Although we as a society have become more educated about depressive and mental illness, so much more still needs to be done. So that people are not afraid to admit that they’re depressed and they’re not afraid to go and seek help. If more people are willing to admit that they need help, maybe more lives could be saved. Maybe Hannah’s life could have been saved.

A quote from Hannah’s mother that reinforces this is, ‘I remember someone saying why do you tell people that Hannah took her life? Why didn’t you just say it was an accident or something? And it’s the very comment that makes me want to say what happened to Hannah. It because she had this fear and embarrassment that she didn’t share. So everybody that says we should keep this hidden or quiet actually is part of the reason why Hannah died.’

It was really sad watching both these documentaries. To see the familiy and friends’ pain of losing a loved one in this way. It was also difficult for me because I’ve been there. At that place, of being so depressed that I just want to end it all.

Watching the documentary though, we see that suicide is not really an end to the unhappiness. When you kill yourself, you leave even more unhappiness behind. It’s heartbreaking, seeing the sadness of all the loves ones Charmaine and Hannah left behind. You don’t the bigger picture when you’re that far gone into depression but suicide really does create more unhappiness when that’s the very thing you’re trying to kill.

It’s been about two months…

…since I last saw my psychologist. And I’m at a bit of a loss about what to do now.

I thought that she would call me because she wasn’t in when I went to her office for my shceduled appointment…but she hasn’t. Part of me still thinks that maybe, maybe she will call. But it’s been a month since the day when I was meant to have an appointment so I think I now have to accept that no, she’s not going to call. Even my mother noticed that I hadn’t been going to therapy and asked me about it. And she NEVER asks about my therapy, prefering to ignore and not acknowlege that I have mental health issues. I guess I’ve just been forgotten about by my psychologist. And it hurts.

I could call myself. But I feel like I shouldn’t be the one to call seeing as my psychologist was the one who wasn’t there at my appointment, not me. Plus, I get anxious when I have to make phone calls and I’d rather avoid that feeling of anxiety.

Getting help for myself the first time was already hard enough. I don’t think I can find the courage to go through it all over again. Right now I’m doubting that therapy can help me with the self harm, the ED behaviours and the depression anyway.

Then again, it could be an opportunity to find a new GP and psychiatrist, seeing as I don’t really like my current one. But that would mean actively making an appointment and trying to recover.

Although I’m still engaging in the ED behaviours and self harming every now and then, while I’m not getting any therapy I’m ignoring that they’re even problems. While not healthy, it’s more convenient for me that way.

Bronte’s Story

I finished reading this novel yesterday. It’s a true story about Bronte Cullis, an Australian who batteled anorexia nervosa. They weren’t sure she would survive the disease but she beat the odds and is still alive today.

She found that in Australia there were no suitable treatment options available so she went to the Montreaux Clinic in Canada to get treatment for her anorexia.

I’ve heard of other people having this issue to, regarding treatment for eating disorders in Australia. On an eating disorder recovery board that I went on, I met another Australian. She is in recovery from anorexia. The help that she received was mostly from a GP, nutritionist and psychologist. Of course, this is better than nothing. But not all these professionals are necessarilly competent to deal with EDs. For example, the GP I went to didn’t understand EDs at all, calling my purging ‘something silly.’

I also recently stumbled across a Facebook group with the aim of raising enough money for an anorexia sufferer to be able to go to the US to go to a treatment center specializing in EDs. This girl lives in WA and goes to a Uni very close to where I live. Her Uni is also helping her raise money to go overseas to get treatment which I think is great. But it also illustrates that in australia people are simply not getting the help they need, resorting to going halfway arond the world to get help.

While in countries like the US and Canada there are places like Renfrew and Remuda that specialize in EDs, what does Australia have? Most will get treated as an outpatient while if you’re more severe, you might get put in a hospital or a general mental health clinic or psych ward.

It seems that many ED sufferers are not getting the help they need because of a lack of resources. In this area, Australia needs to advance, so that we can compare to other developed countries, like USA and Canada.

Dying for a cure: A memoir of antidepressants, misdiagnosis and madness by Rebekah Beddoe

I just finished reading this book today.

She tells of her experiences with taking psychotropic drugs and how they became the cause of her mental deterioration.

She started off with Zoloft when she was prescribed them by a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as having post-natal depression. After being put on the Zoloft, she began self harming and attempting suicide which led to even more drugs being prescribed. The psychotropic drugs she was on caused her to have a manic episode which led to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and she claims the drugs are also the cause of her diabetes. When she went off all the medication, the symptoms of bipolar, the self harm and suicidal tendencies disappeared.

It was an interesting read. I don’t agree with everything that she said. While there are risks of taking medication, it has also helped a lot of people I’m sure. And her experiences seem to be very extreme. On the other hand, mental health consumers need to be more informed of the risks taking medication involves and doctors need to be more aware of any adverse effects that people have while taking medication.

Doctors seem all too ready to prescribe medication for mental health problems such as depression. I think that medication is an option that can help people but other options like talk therapy should be explored too.

It is a bit alarming that starting on Zoloft caused this woman to have all these other problems that would not have otherwise been present. Not least because the medication that my psychiatrist wanted to presribe me is in fact Zoloft. And like what Rebekah’s doctor told her, my psychiatrist also told me that Zoloft is a ‘good medication,’ it’s ‘safe’ and ‘non addictive.’

I suspect that part of the reason why doctors may be so quick to prescribe medication is because they want to be seen as doing something. Antidepressants such as SSRIs have the warning that it may cause self harm and thoughts of suicide. But what do you do when someone with depression is already self harming and having thoughts of suicide as I was? Do you take the risk and give them the medication in the hope that it will help? Or do you not take the risk due to the many adverse reactions that may occur including worsening of mental health and thoughts of suicide and self harm?

So close…

…to three months self harm free. Tomorrow would have marked three months…had I not gone ahead and relapsed today.

There were no specific triggers, I just felt down and for a while now I’ve kept thinking about self harming and wanting to do it again. I had managed to ignore the want to cut again until today. Argh 😦

I know that recovery isn’t that easy. I know that I’m not likely to be able to completely stop just like that after self harming for five years. But I still feel disappointed when I think about how I ruined my three month streak of not self harming.