I’m not quite sure where to go from here. When less than a week since being discharged from hospital I’m back to where I started. Back to thinking that suicide is the only viable solution. Maybe not today, but someday. Life seems meaningless and I just can’t find a reason to hold on.
I spent three weeks as an inpatient and there’s been minimal improvement. Hospital is generally the final option offered when one is in a crisis, and when that doesn’t work, then what’s next? It feels a bit hopeless when there’s nothing left.
It’s been a month since I last saw my psychologist and I have an appointment with her on Saturday. The previous two visits, I spent the session crying with despair in her office. I don’t really want to go in having to confess I’m feeling somewhat the same a month later and hospital has done me no good. Spending the third session in a row in tears would really put me up there on the patheticness scale.
Behind the Façade 
no, if you need to cry, then you need to cry. nothing pathetic.
But interesting point I heard from my NSPCC psychologist last night. I’d mentioned how *one of the bloggers I’ve seen* had been told by a psych whitecoat that having suicide as a backup plan meant you weren’t committed to therapy. She was really cross. Her point to me (it may be different for you) was that knowing you have some control (when you feel you have none) is important to recognise. You *could* end your suffering. You haven’t done so yet, and that’s important to recognise; there’s a bit of you that’s trying not to. Sorry, I’m not saying this well. it’s basically that it’s OK to maintain suicidal thoughts- you can recognise them as part of a healthy attempt at healing yourself.
Turquoise, an interesting and refreshing perspective!
Are you still in university BtF?
Yeah I am…it’s the end of semester though and we’re in exam period right now. x
Hospital is not a final option medically. There is also conventional psychotherapy, like when Dr T and you talked about the root of your depression, but more intensive and oriented towards finding solutions. And beyond that again, for depression more serious than yours appears to be, there is ECT, which has a scary reputation but often gets amazing results.
I’ve been though the same thing and been hospitalized more than a dozen times. Hospital stays just make me worse and I do use them as a last option. What makes me feel better is talking to someone who is positive or someone who will just let me vent without trying to put their two cents in. Personaly, therapy helps me more than anything else thats where I can be whatever I’m feeling. Whether its pissed off or hopeless. Crying shouldn’t make you feel pathetic, but I struggle with the same thing. I guess easier sqaid than done.
ive been told that the fact that i still often think suicide is an option means that i dont really want to recover and it pisses me off. because a lot of my illness is based around insecurity, and as a result, i need things to feel certain-and suicide IS certain-its an end point, yknow, so to have ‘back up’ plans basically helps me feel safe, wether or not i would actually go through with them. The clin Psyc i see now-who is basically the lovliest person i have ever met says it makes perfect sense to feel that way. I think you have to think why suicide feels like an option. i mean, i know its because you feel depressed, but at the most basic level-well, there must be something that keeps you and me both here, because we ARE both still here.
if it makes you feel any better i cry nearly every session i have with her, which is apparantly much better than trying with all you might to hold it togther. i mean, they know you feel shitty, or you wouldnt be here, so no harm in having a cry. i hid in the loos at uni today to have a little cry and i felt much better lol.
sorry, i always think i come across as a knob when i comment, which is why i dont very often. Just, well, dont write yourself off. After the court case last summer i thought there was nothing else i could do, that id run out of options…but i guess you muddle through until it becomes a bit clearer. And im glad i hung on, because as awful as i feel now-its for a reason-because instead of blocking my shit, im slowly wading through it. and if i had given up on myslef, i wouldnt have found a therapist that i trust and feel comfortable to work with.
just try hold tight, yeh? and email if you ever need to let off steam, or anything. vickibaker@hotmail.co.uk xxxx
Hey there. I’m feeling much of the same feelings right now. I thought after my crisis last week, something may have clicked and I would do all I could to change. But I’m feeling hopeless again, and suicide has been on my mind a lot the past few days.
I think we’re both having setbacks. Setbacks are natural and expected. It’s good too because a setback shows that you are moving forward. Maybe try to re-frame the way you’re feeling. Maybe the hospitalization didn’t work, but there are other options–there’s always other options.
I don’t think there anything wrong with having a cry in your therapists office at all and yes, hospital works for some but not for others but it’s not a last resort, well not for me anyway. I sometimes use it to have a break mentally because I can just be whatever I want to be in hospital because I don’t have to hold it together, they don’t expect you to. If you are in hospital, you are in there because you feel crap to start with. Some people find the groups helpful, some don’t. I don’t mind them but I only go if I feel up to it. Maybe your anti-d is not working yet, I think you said you are on pristiq? I am on it too and it took about a month to work and two or three increases of it. I am now on 200mg and I find that helps me a lot. Anyway, I’m thinking of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
sorry you are struggling hun. Must be infuriating when youv done something as extreme as hospitilisation, and still feel you arent in a different place. There will be progress, maybe you just cant see it yet. It’ll come. xxxx
I’m sorry you are feeling like you haven’t improved from your hospitalization. I really do wish y ou feel better and heal. I agree with the people who said it’s okay to cry in your psychologist’s office, and it doesn’t make you pathetic. I wish you a useful session.
*hugs* I have no advice but wish you well.
I actually disagree with you that you’re ‘unhelpable’ because hospital didn’t help. Hospital is only one option. Modern medicine dictates that it’s our last resort, but I don’t believe in that. Hospital is just that; it’s social containment. It protects people from others, and themselves (as much as they can). It provides a change from normal routines. There is no guarantee that it will FIX anyone.
Healing happens at home. Healing happens when you are surrounded by the things you love, the people you love, not in a sterile, clinical environment where all decisions are taken out of your hands. Yes, hospital is an option. It’s good for crisis intervention. Sometimes it helps us break bad habits by providing a new environment. But true healing can only happen when you’re ready for it to. There’s nothing bad about not being ready, either, by the way. Because recovery from mental illness is never linear.
It’s funny, because I feel like I’m saying to you what everyone has said to me over the last few weeks. You can get through this. You are going to have the most amazing life. You are worth the help you are getting. Please don’t be ashamed of this illness. But I don’t believe what everyone has said about me. I don’t expect that you’ll be able to believe me. But please, at the very least, believe that I believe it of you.
I’m thinking of you BtF and if you think there’s anything I can do – you know where I am. I don’t sleep a lot, and I’m usually up for a chat.
xx
PS – Don’t mind me and my ‘lil essay over here!!!
BtF, I wish I could offer something better than empathy here. I am struggling with the same thing. You describe it perfectly throughout your ordeal. If you find a reason to live that doesn’t spring from someone else’s subjective viewpoint or religion, let me know … and I’ll do the same for you if I find it first. In the meantime, I hope we both survive this long enough to see what’s on the other side.