Today I tore away at my past. Ripped apart the pages of the five diaries I had utilized to record down the occurances, feelings and emotions over the past eight over years. The pieces were unceremoniously discarded of, and remain at the bottom of our recycling bin.
If I am going to die, I do not want my innermost thoughts being intruded upon by my parents or any other unwanted guests.
I am hit with a slight pang when I realise that memories and insights into my mind as an eleven year old, twelve year old and onward are henceforth destroyed, forever gone. However, the alternative is worse, whereby it is realised how pathetic and oversensitive I was as a child and still am. Because according to my mother, being bullied and forever left out by my peers during the school years is my own fault for ‘not being a nice person’ and really not all that big a deal. As for my father, I refuse to let it be seen by him and others how much he hurt me emotionally while I was growing up.
So do I regret my actions? For the most part, no. But I do regret that it has come to this.
Behind the Façade 
im sure its not your fault i wasnt liked at home atall i was nebver loved and everything that went wrong was my fault at 29 years old i hardly see my family i stay away over fear of getting hurt again
just so you know, you really cannot kill yourself, aside from the fact I wont let you, you will fail, I know that cos I know you’re meant to be alive, you have far too much to give for your life to end now and you’re such an utterly amazing person it would just be too big a loss if you weren’t on this planet ❤
I’ve thought about that before: what should I do with my diaries when I am dead? I don’t want anyone probing through them; neither do I want people to read them and think they know me because they’ve been privy to my secret thoughts and emotions. They won’t realise that I go through life riding a capricious roller-coaster and the thoughts I choose to record are merely snapshots of a particular moment and do not represent who I am completely.
You can destroy your memories of the past, but please stay for your future.
*hugs*
YOUR FUTURE IS WORTH IT. you are worth it. Please remember that. Hang in there, stay strong…I wish I had better advice 🙂
xoxo
-Lisa
What you went through is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Please share this with your therapist. You really need to try to get these thoughts out there, aside for on here, so you can get the support you need. Have you given any thought to switching therapists?
I’ve done this before– ridding my apartment and computer of everything so my parents would find nothing.
I’m scared. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I know doing what you’re doing is a step towards suicide and I don’t want you to take any more steps. Please get some help if you need it. Please.
NOS
*hugs* It DOES get better. It won’t always be like this. Please don’t give up on life.
Good riddance to the bad memories. They don’t need to follow you into the future. But you do… it may seem pointless now, but keep working towards that future.
I had a teacher tell me my school situation was my fault because I wasn’t a ‘nice person’. I can’t imagine how much more hurtful that would be when coming from a parent. It isn’t true, though, whatever happened to you at school wasn’t your fault. I hope you can believe that.