I don’t know how to cope with my emotions. Okay, if we’re being real here, I guess I never have known. I never had the chance to learn how to deal with unpleasant emotions in what may be classed as an ’emotionally healthy’ way. As a child, if I slammed the door or punched the pillow in anger, my father would react with more anger and forbid me to do so. If I was upset and in tears, it’d also be met with irritation from my father and he’d yell at me to stop. Growing up, there was no sympathy nor comfort in times of hurt and sadness.
During my most recent hospital admission, my parents came to visit. My mother questioned me on what OT activities are available during the day to which my father then asked what OT is. I suppose I gave him a bit of a look. I’ve only been studying OT for the past over a year. But ya know, whatever. He then got angry at me for “looking at him like he’s dumb” and I in turn got upset at being attacked and started crying. He then accused me of being “too sensitive,” “mentally weak” and asked “How do you expect to be an OT and deal with patients when you get upset so easily when people are angry at you?!” This is just the most recent example of what I’ve grown up learning- that my emotions aren’t valid and I’m not allowed to be feeling what I’m feeling.
So I try my hardest to quash my feelings, ignore my emotions, cut, eat, purge them away. There’s only so much a person can try to bury before it overflows though. Given recent events, now more than anything, they feel uncontrollable, unmanageable, and I just don’t know what to do. Feelings of being backed into a corner with the psychiatrist I saw, feelings of abandonment in having to cease therapy with D, feelings of isolation in not having anyone to confide in, feelings of hopelessness when it seems as though nothing’s ever going to get better, feelings of rejection and hurt when suddenly discharged from hospital, feelings of apprehension in starting therapy with someone new all over again, feelings of inadequacy and stress when attempting to complete uni work, feelings of alienation, being judged and misunderstood when reading comments I’ve received on my blog, feeling unheard when it seems as though nobody cares, feelings of loneliness in not having friends to hang out with, feelings of desperation when I think about this life I’m stuck with… Which has resulted in me reacting by rejecting services, pushing people away, overdosing, angrily venting on my blog and resolving to make my own decisions in regards to wanting to die. And while I acknowledge it’s difficult for people to understand instead of being condemning, and it hurts that so many have proved that they can’t, I so badly wish they did. I just don’t know any other way, I’m desperate, I don’t know how else to cope, and I want these feelings gone.
Behind the Façade 
I’m sorry about your dad being unsympathetic 😦
I too have problem coping with intense emotions. I used to resort to cutting then eventually to excessive drinking and sleeping so I could just shut down emotionally and not have to feel anything.
I’m trying to fix it, trying to learn new healthier ways of coping when and if shit hits the fan. I asked my doc for help so he suggested a few things (well, he’s been suggesting things for a while now, I just haven’t been ready to give them a try till now).
Maybe you can talk about this to the doc you’re seeing now? I mean, we’re obviously dealing with our emotions the harmful way, we’re not sure how to do it the right way, so why not ask for help, yeah? And then give it a genuine go.
Anyway, I hope I’m not coming across as lecture-ish. I just felt like I had to comment ‘cos I’ve been through very similar situation.
Have a nice weekend ❤
I’m sorry too. I really wish your dad had helped you deal with your emotions when you were a kid. Even the horrible ones are valid and it’s really hard to learn healthier ways of coping with them – and speaking for myself I’m soooooo bad at it! – but I’m sure you’ll get there. Remember Philip Larkin (“They fuck you up, your mum and dad”) … Google it! Very best wishes xx
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I can relate to not being allowed to express your emotions without being dismissed and/or reproached. In the same way as you I try and quash them, resulting in cutting and withdrawing from the world.
But it is okay to feel, it is okay to express your emotions and let them out in healthy ways. I don’t know about your family but mine repress their emotions and that’s a learned behaviour that can get passed down.
I wish I could offer more but just know there are people who empathise and with time and therapy you can get better and be a wonderful occupational therapist.
It’s a horrible thing for a child’s hurt to not be acknowledged and causes so many problems in later life 😦
I could have wrote this post myself x
me too msleftie. another leftie and i relate to the core. take care everyone.
Ditto re emotions, childhood, coping (or not)!!!
including the what’s OT comment. have u done any assignements about OT or interventions? I emailed my parents an essay on case study, interventions and justification stuff – and they responded saying that now they had a better understanding of what I was studying. might help them understand the studying part of your life at the very least. The rest, I’m still working on myself! if i come across a miracle cure I’ll let you know!
tag
Hi,
This was posted ages ago – I’m behind in my feeds.
I just wanted to say that I’m really proud of you for this post.
I have found that a lot of people with MH problems have similar experiences. They were never allowed to express themselves or get the love and support they needed as a small child. So they were pretty much by themselves emotionally and had to learn to cope as best they could. And if you think about it that way, you’ve done okay so far, and it can’t have been easy.
This post is so honest, I can imagine it was hard to write. But I’m really happy that you did.
I’ve found for me, it’s been really helpful being able to mourn and cry about all the pain from childhood hurts, and to get the recognition that you were wronged and not supported as you should have been.
And if you are ever stuck for words or find it too hard to talk, bring this post in with you, it’s so beautiful and honest – I just hope that if a therapist reads it, they respect you for who you are and listens to you.
I’m so sad that this was the case for you, and I wish it wasn’t. But thank you for sharing, it’s nice to know the girl underneath the facade.
^^^^ what they said.
it’s awful having to go through what you’re feeling without any acceptance or support, take care of yourself, hugs, Alice x x x
I feel the same.
I just ended a 10 year abusive relationship. I allowed myself to be verbally and emotionally abused for years and believing him when he said I deserved it.
I grew up in the same situation add physical abuse.
Once the physical abuse started in my adult relationship I looked for help and realized my unhealthily emotional reactions to rejection and fear got me here.
I too cry for hours asking questions that I will never get an ANWSER, I pray for death and then feel guilty….
I don’t have medication because of no insurance and my entire ‘support system’ would think I was weak…I really don’t know what do next or even how to feel I just want to die.