Eating wise, things haven’t been going well these past few weeks. My daily diet has been consisting of a protein bar, a bowl of diet yoghurt, a bowl of vegetables, sugarfree jelly and half an apple, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to eat and keep down anything else apart from this group of safe foods. My weight hasn’t dropped by more than 4kg so far, however, as of this morning my BMI was 15.98 which it hadn’t dipped to since being discharged from hospital. Part of me is pleased that I’m losing weight, the other part of me is thinking “Why am I doing this? I just want to recover.” But maybe I’ll feel more comfortable maintaining if it’s between a BMI of 15-16? That way my weight would still be underweight but on the higher end of underweight, it’ll give me ~2kg leeway between being a BMI of 15-16, and I’ll be able avoid being put into hospital under the Mental Health Act.
I’ve been seeing my psychologist at the outpatient ED program weekly. However, because they’re an outpatient service, they have a duty of care and won’t see clients if they’re medically unstable, keep losing weight or are below a BMI of 14. I’ve lost weight three appointments in a row now, and I’ve been warned by my psychologist that she is not allowed to continue seeing me if I continue to do so. I’m meant to at least maintain my weight at my next appointment which will be in a week’s time, whether I do or not remains to be seen.
The day after my appointment I did try. I had a bread roll at breakfast, but then once I started eating I felt like I couldn’t stop, and it led to a binge/purge. And now I’m afraid to try again because I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop eating and it will lead me to binge and purge again, and I’m afraid of the feeling of fullness, and gaining weight.
If I’m discharged from the service, well I guess that’s that. On one hand I know that they can’t have clients declining under their care and you have to be committed to recovery, on the other hand, it sucks that they may discharge clients for struggling. It’s hard to be able to turn things around by yourself, and it’s unfortunate that there’s no day program and/or outpatient meal support to help people to be able to do so.