It’s been a long while since I’ve written here. There have been times when I’ve thought about writing a post, but it’s been so long that I didn’t know where to start.
Eating wise things have been up and down and it’s only been these past couple of days that I’ve been back on track. Once home straight out of hospital, I was still eating quite adequately and what I wanted. Slowly over time, I found myself cutting out more and more, and the list of foods I was afraid to eat became longer and longer. I then started bingeing and purging regularly, and it felt like my eating disorder was back where it was in 2009/2010. During this time I lost 2kg at most, I’ve never been one who’s been able to lose weight through purging. It was this that gave me the kick I needed to recover last time, and right now I’m in a similar position. It’s when I see the number on the scales go down that it spurs me on the want to keep restricting and take it even further, but when I’m maintaining my weight from bingeing and purging, I think to myself “What’s the point? I may as well be eating what I want when it’s a much more enjoyable and satisfying way to be maintaining my weight.” And so I put away my scales to reduce that temptation to weigh myself multiple times a day, have been trying to consume a balanced diet, and have refrained from bingeing and purging. It’s now day three that I’ve managed to stay on track without engaging in ED behaviours, hopefully it can stay that way. I confess though that I have weighed myself once, and it was reassuring to know that even if I eat without restricting I won’t balloon and gain 5kg overnight- my weight has remained within a kilo of 43kg, the weight I was discharged at.
I’ve mostly avoided seeing any health professionals and cancelled two appointments with doctors at A St. The psychologist from A St I saw a few times while in hospital also gave me a call asking me if I wanted further sessions with her. “No thanks,” I said. I did attend one appointment with my GP, but have not seen her since despite her telling me she wanted me to come in weekly because I just don’t think it’s necessary. I saw the community mental health nurse once, but only because she turned up at my house out of the blue one day after I missed a call from her and ignored her voicemail asking me to call her back. I received a letter in the mail informing me I have an appointment with a dietitian, but I’m not going to attend that either, especially if it’s the same dietitian I saw whilst an inpatient. After my experience of treatment there, I have no intention of attending any appointments at A St. I also received a letter from the group therapy place inviting me to start with their “Dealing with Depression” group, which just leaves me confused because the intention was always for me to do DBT. The depression group will use a CBT approach, which I’ve done before and do not find helpful at all. So I will have to follow up with them and enquire about this.
After having to defer half of my semester 1 units halfway through and the whole of semester 2, also halfway through, I return back to uni starting tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it at all. Uni is a major trigger of stress for me. On top of that, because I’ve already completed half of both units before having to defer, I’m pretty much having to repeat all the work I put in last year. It feels so frustrating knowing that I attended all those classes and completed all that work last year just to have to start all over again this year. The majority of my friends of course have progressed to the next year, so I’m having to start the year with unfamiliar faces and a year group that have already had two years together to form their friendships. Oh, and last year I was also found guilty of General Misconduct so there’s also the concern that the lecturers who know about it think I’m a shit OT student who behaves unethically and in an unprofessional manner. Luckily that’s none of the lecturers I have this semester, but it will be the lecturers I have next semester. Oh, and the course coordinator who’s assisted me throughout the course when I’ve been admitted to hospital also knows, so I can’t go to her for help now because I’m too ashamed and afraid of what she thinks about me. So yes, I’m gearing up for a really fun year at uni. Provided I can actually finish the semester for once and pass.