Being cancelled on

Last week my A, my community nurse, cancelled on me. “She does that a lot, doesn’t she?” a friend remarked when I told her. Well, now that you mention it… :/ A phoned and rescheduled to see me at my next psychiatrist appointment which is next week. I’ve been really tempted to just cancel both altogether and be done with it. When I get cancelled on it just makes me feel like I’m not important and less of a priority compared to other clients, and I think “Fine, don’t bother then.” As for the psychiatrist appointment, last appointment when I met him for the first time, the appointment lasted literally 5 minutes, so I don’t even see the point in going. The round trip to get to the mental health centre takes about 5x that alone.

Part of me knows that it’s the BPD part of me that’s wanting to react in this way. That mentality of wanting to be the rejector as opposed to the one being rejected. “If you cancel on me, I’ll cancel on you!” and wanting to “test” her to see if she’ll follow up with me if I cancel altogether. Unfortunately or fortunately, my anxiety around making phone calls probably means that I won’t end up cancelling, and I’ve never been able to bring myself to simply not turn up to an appointment- that just seems rude. So more than likely I’ll just go and nod and say that everything’s fine. Guess I’ll see what happens.

Besides that, my mood’s been a bit up and down. One moment I’ll feel okay, and the next moment it’ll plummet. I had been feeling empty, and being stuck behind a computer doing an online unit and assignments has not been great for my mental health. I took a small OD a few days ago and downed 500mg of Seroquel. Which, considering some people are prescribed 500mg daily, shouldn’t be that much. Except that I don’t take Seroquel any more, and even when I did I was only on a very small dose, so 20 tablets was quite a bit for my body. I slept about 20 hours before awaking, and when I did I ended up vomiting and blacking out a couple of times and could feel I had tachycardia. It took another 8 hours before the drowsiness fully wore off. It was just self-harm, I knew I wouldn’t do any permanent damage from it. The last time I had taken an OD was about July/August last year and I guess a part of me is also afraid of getting better. I’m also hoping that now that I’ve got that out of my system, I’ll be able to get through my three fieldwork placements this year without getting unwell or any self-harm episodes. Considering my placements start next week and they’re three blocks of seven week full time pracs all in a row, I better get my shit together. This is my seventh year in an undergrad course in uni, which is long enough.

5 thoughts on “Being cancelled on

  1. Sucks that you’ve not been feeling the best. I do hope you feel okay soon.

    Regarding online units, I get a bit the same. Have you thought of getting a study group together? Even if you’re studying different subjects, it really helps with the isolation you get when studying.

    I’m also horrified that your last psychiatrist appointment was only 5min long. That’s shocking.
    I know you’re a student and probably don’t have much money, but when you’re out working promise me you’ll get a private psychiatrist- some one you like and can trust.
    Do you see a psychologist?
    The problem with the public system is they are stretched too thin. They don’t have the time to give good treatment to many, so they give cruddy treatment to all. I know I really struggled in the pubic health system, but having my own psychiatrist and psychologist, who set aside time, just for me, really made a difference.

    I hope things get a bit better, and good luck for field work, I know you’ll be good.

    • I used to see a psychologist when I was doing DBT, but not anymore. My finances do allow for a private psychiatrist if I were to go that route, I used to see a private psychiatrist. But I guess I’m just not sure what would be the purpose of seeing a psychiatrist?
      Thank you.

  2. Thanks for the lovely comment you left me. I really hope you are ok after your OD. I know it’s hard to hear but people care. So many people follow how you are doing on here and you have you “real life” friends.

    You’ve come a long way. Uni fieldwork (i think that’s the same as our placements- 5 weeks in hospital rotations) is bloody hard work on top Of everything else. I just want to say that I understand.

    If you want to contact me – email- to talk about anything, Uni, Practicals, treatment- anything- please get in touch. It’s vkbaker@hotmail.co.uk. I can just listen if you need.

    Take care (and try and look after yourself )

    Xxx vics

  3. See, this is where I get confused.
    You engage with mental health, and are upset when you don’t get the help you want/need.
    You are an advocate for people suffering from mental illness and adequate mental health treatment.
    So you do see the potential value in seeking and receiving mental health treatment.
    Perhaps it’s because you’ve never received good treatment in the past, nor treatment that you’ve found helpful?

    My answer to your question is: so that you can get treatment for your mental illness/difficulties.
    You don’t deny that you suffer from symptoms that negatively affect your life.
    You seem to see some value in seeing your Community nurse, so hopefully she helps somewhat.

    If you get a good psychiatrist they can help you and treat these symptoms that you find troubling, and help you lead the life you want to lead. It might be medication, therapy, referral to a more reliable nurse, someone to write medical certificates to cover you when you feel unable to work/study. Someone to remind you that things will get better, whilst you’re going through a tough patch.

    For me personally I also find the support I get from my doctors to be useful. I don’t have people I can really talk to about my mental illness and it’s really nice to have someone I can talk to about it, and get a bit of support and reassurance. It’s also nice to have someone to check in with, about how I’m going. Even if the advice is going to be: “keep doing what you’re doing and it will be okay”. Even as someone to admit me to the ‘nice’ hospital, not the bad one (if I ever get that sick again).
    I guess I find the big problem is admitting that I have some issues that I need help with. I need someone I know and trust, before I can do that. And if you get a good, reliable doctor, then you can form that relationship and then be able to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.
    If you don’t come to them with problems, they can’t help you fix them.
    And if you have a doctor that you speak to for 5 min, I don’t see how that can be happening.

  4. While I’m asking pointed questions, can I also say how much I admire you. I think you’re going to be a formidable force within the OT world once you graduate. Your lived experience of mental health and your experience as an advocate mean that you understand the other side of health care, and you care enough to want to stand up and speak out to change things for the better. You’re very bright and highly articulate. I think you’ll be a fantastic OT and will be able to help all your patients and provide them with the support they need.

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