In hospital

I’m in hospital at the moment and feeling such a mix of emotions. There’s a part of me that wants help but doesn’t know how to ask for it, there’s a part of me that just wants to go home and is hoping I’ll be okay, there’s a part of me that’s still considering an overdose and there’s a part of me that just doesn’t know any more.

I’d been struggling lately and thinking of taking an overdose but was waiting until at least after Thursday as I was speaking at a conference and didn’t want to back out on that commitment. Thursday night I felt kinda like “What now,” and called up mental health triage to speak to someone about those thoughts. Luckily the nurse who picked up was a nurse I already knew and who knew me, and is one of the best nurses that I’ve met. It helped a bit, and I was able to go to sleep without doing further harm to myself. Friday I saw my psychologist. She could tell I wasn’t feeling great and I talked to her a bit about what was going on and how I was feeling. Because she was concerned that I might take an overdose, she consulted her supervisor who decided that I should go to the ED. My psychologist accompanied me there and I was assessed by two psych registrars and a psych liaison nurse. It was there that I first experienced what it’s like to have “Borderline Personality Disorder” written somewhere on your file, and for clinicians to have preconceived ideas about you. “People with borderline personality often have thoughts of suicide and self harm,” I was told, and it felt like I was being dismissed as someone who “always had those thoughts” so it’s not serious. I was also told “Maybe it’s because you’ve been discussing the eating disorder with your psychologist and this is the first time you’ve talked about self harm and overdosing and that’s why she got so concerned.” Umm no, I don’t say I’m feeling this way unless I’m actually feeling this way, and it don’t tend to call people up unless I’m pretty desperate. But thanks for that. I was presented with the option of going home or staying for a few days as a voluntary patient, and of course, now that I felt as though I was an attention seeker, I said I wanted to go home.

Saturday night I self harmed by cutting my leg, and at midnight I drove myself to the ED to get stitched up. Thankfully the doctors and nurses who treated me there were all really good and the psych registrar who assessed me acknowledged that I’m not always like this and said that she thought coming into hospital for a short while would be a good idea.

I arrived onto the psych ward Monday afternoon and was seen by the consultant psychiatrist whom I’ve seen for the previous three admissions and the new psych registrar on the team. I talked a bit about what has been going on; finding it difficult with having to stop with my current psychologist to do DBT, the fear of starting DBT and starting with another psychologist and the fear of not being able to cope with uni next semester. He told me I’d probably stay just a few days and be discharged Wednesday or Thursday, however, it’s now Thursday afternoon and I still haven’t seen my doctors since I was admitted Monday afternoon. I did however speak to the med student on the team and opened up a little more about how I didn’t understand them keeping me weeks and weeks when I didn’t want help, yet talk about discharging me after just two days when I do want help. I also spoke about the fear of the stigma surrounding BPD and that I’d be classed as “attention seeking.” I’ve been told the doctors and my community nurse are going to come see me, I guess I just have to wait and see what happens next.

5 thoughts on “In hospital

  1. I wish you well and am reading.

    I’ve had that reaction before about BPD. Like crazy stuff. I had a psychiatrist (head of the ward) ask me why I was in hospital so I said I was suicidal. She said that there are loads of people that are suicidal outside of hospital that aren’t in hospital. So I said, well, I am reaching out for help so that I am in a safe place and am getting help. Then she asked what my diagnosis is and I said BPD along with depression and anxiety. She threw her hands up in the air and said that hospital definitely isn’t for me because I have BPD. I asked her why and she said psych wards are for ‘really sick people’ like those in psychosis and are a danger to themselves and/others. I said that I am a danger to myself so why am I any different? She said that I know what I am doing whereas they don’t know and that I will kill myself wherever I am because I have BPD. I was in shock. What a bit*h!!

    Anyway, not to wind you up even more. Just be honest and ask for the help you need if you feel like something could help you and if you decide that hospital isn’t the right setting but that you need something else outside of hospital, then make sure to tell them as this is your chance to reach out more so because you’re not doing great obviously.

    Take care.

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