Struggling with being over 40kg

Since the last post I’ve been transferred from the open ward to the locked ward, then moved back to the open ward where I’ve been for a few days now.

On Monday I was reviewed by the dietitian. I was told my weight had stagnated as it had hovered at 39.2kg for a few days ever since I’d come on to the open ward which was attributed to me “walking around” even though the most walking I was doing was 5m from my room to the lounge room. It’s a ridiculous distance to have to be wheeled in a wheelchair when I can walk, and honestly, walking that short a distance is not going to affect my weight in the slightest. She again reinforced the restrictions of being wheeled around in a wheelchair and having meals in my room as opposed to the dining room with everyone else. I was upset after this review, as I felt I was being blamed for my weight stabilising, and despite me eating most if not all of my three meals and drinking all three Ensures a day, I was still being so restricted. I was already upset, and it was made worse when two nurses came in and started going through my belongings. I can’t stand having my privacy invaded and on two previous occasions when I’ve had my room searched, I’ve ended up restrained and put in the seclusion room. I tried not to completely lose my shit again this time. I took the blade I had in my bag and held it in my hand to try and calm myself down with the knowledge that it was there just in case. Unfortunately the nurse who was specialling me cottoned on after a while that something was up, and came to investigate. She had a glimpse of the blade, which I quickly took in my hand. She tried to get it off me, I wouldn’t let it go, and other nurses were then called and the duress alarm pulled. I was restrained and taken to the seclusion room where the security guards prised the blade out of my hand, I had all my clothes, glasses and jewellery taken off me, and was given an IM injection. After a period spent in the seclusion room I was wheeled out of the open ward where I found myself once again in the locked ward.

The first few days there I wasn’t allowed any of my personal possessions, not even my glasses, as apparently it would pose “too much risk.” On the second night there I got very frustrated at the situation, took myself into a bathroom stall and started hitting out and punching the wall. The nurses heard me banging around, led me out and into my room where I pushed over a chair in anger. I was then escorted to the seclusion room, where I was made to lay down and once again given an IM injection.

Whereas on the open ward they’re a bit more relaxed, the staff on the locked ward were very rigid in following the management plan down to the letter. I was told I couldn’t have honey with my weetbix at breakfast because it’s “not on my management plan”. There was a plum on my dinner tray and I don’t like plums so asked for an apple instead and was told no. And though the point is for me to gain weight, when I asked if I could have a tub of yoghurt or an ice cream, I was also told no. Out of spite I then ate exactly what it said on my meal plan, nothing more, went everywhere in a wheelchair and drank only a minimal amount of water to prove that it wasn’t being in the open ward that was making my weight stagnate and by not allowing me extra food, I wouldn’t gain weight. I did end up dropping 0.2kg and was 39.0kg on Friday morning.

Thankfully on Friday afternoon I was transferred back to the open ward and have been here ever since. Still on a 1:1 special which means it’s been three weeks that I’ve been continuously watched by a nurse. The dietitian added even more to my meal plan which means daily I’m having three full meals, three snacks and 200ml of Ensure Plus three times a day. Eating six times a day feels excessive and surely normal people do not eat this much.

Up until now I’ve been eating and gaining weight quite easily without it being much of a struggle, but these past couple of days I’ve been feeling awful as my weight is now over 40kg. Being under 40kg felt safe, and now that I’m over that number, I feel like I’m fat enough and any more weight gain is unnecessary. Clothes that used to be loose on me now feel tight, and I feel like I need to punish myself by self harming for being such a fat, disgusting pig. But of course I can’t, and I just feel low and I can’t cope with them wanting to be 46kg which would be a BMI of 18.5. I’ve never been that heavy in my life and at that weight I’d either just restrict again to lose it or kill myself. I could go home and eat without trying to restrict at about 40kg, but 46kg? There’s no way I could deal with that and that’s just setting me up to starve and lose weight all over again.

6 thoughts on “Struggling with being over 40kg

  1. Im sorry youre going through this. I hate the hugh weights they force. So counter productive. Im coming to the realusation that I am going to have to maintain a high weight if I want a job, to live on my own and to bunge and purge. Ill nevet be better but small steps. I hope you can take some too.

  2. This was heartbreaking to read. It is apparent you are so sick, physically and mentally, and these people aren’t helping you. For example forcing you to eat the plum vs. an apple (I think apples are higher in calories too) and other stupid rules like not walking to the dining room from your room. I do recommend you find a psychologist who is compassionate and will actually LISTEN to your side of the story.

    But I can’t blame them for taking the blade away from you – you could have hurt yourself/someone with it. There is no using fighting them on this when they will only restrain you.

    46 kg is very small, I’m about your height and I believe it’s on the lower end of a healthy weight. But I understand from your perspective it seems like too much. Hang in there, we are rooting for you! I hope 2014 is a healthier year for you.

  3. Also, I am horrified to read some of this. Surely the intention is to support you in developing a healthy relationship with food. For example. The fact you would enjoy honey on weetabix would encourage you to eat it..so to deny you that and insist you eat it in a way you wont enjoy just seems barbaric and frankly dim in my opinion. x

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