I was meant to have an appointment with the inpatient psych registrar on Thursday and dietitian on Friday. I cancelled both and didn’t attend either. I talked briefly to one of the nurses on the ward yesterday when I was visiting a friend, and she reckons something will happen if you don’t go to appointments. I disagree. I’ve done it before and cancelled the follow up appointment with a psychiatrist after being discharged from hospital and it was fine. Besides, I am only one of many clients who attend the mental health service, I’m sure they all have better things to do than bother with someone who’s stated she doesn’t want help, when there are people who do.
It’s been over a week now that I’ve been out of hospital, and I’ve pretty much gone back to doing what I was doing before being admitted. Although, whereas before I wasn’t purging regularly any more, this week I’ve already done so four times. A few years ago when I was regularly purging I only managed to gain weight instead of losing, and I’m afraid of doing so again. I have lost a bit of weight since coming home, and weighed in at 37.2 kg this morning. It doesn’t feel like even nearly enough though.
I don’t feel sick enough to want to recover yet. Looking back, I wasn’t even that thin at my lowest weight. I know I can’t go on like this forever. But maybe if I got down to say, 30 kg, then I’ll stop.