Home 7 weeks later, 5kg heavier

It’s been seven long weeks, and I’ve finally been discharged from hospital. I came in weighing 34.6 kg, and left at 39.4 kg this morning. Which would be 5 kg had it not been for my methods of artificially increasing my weight before weigh ins. Weighed myself without clothes on once I arrived home- my scales told me 38.3 kg.

Had a family meeting before discharge in the morning, with those present being my mum, the consultant psychiatrist, intern doctor, dietitian, nurse, and of course myself. What came out if it is they want me to maintain and not lose weight obviously, and for me to remain in contact with mental health services. I have an outpatient appointment with the psych registrar on the team next week, however, I don’t intend to go. I may be more inclined if the appointment was with someone I liked or at least feel neutral towards, but I don’t and see no value in going to see someone I can’t and won’t talk to. With having an appointment to see a dietitian I also feel it would be pointless, as I could have the most elaborate meal plan in the world, but it won’t do much good if I can’t and won’t follow it.

I’ve never been one to fast though- at least I do eat. I’ve never gone more than a day without eating anything. Just that what I do eat tends to be small amounts of fruit, vegetables, and a few things in between. Found myself falling straight back into old habits as soon as I got home. Chewing and spitting a whole lot of food. Not being able to allow myself to eat certain foods and feeling guilty at what I do eat, telling myself I didn’t need it.

It’s such a push-pull internal tug-of-war. When I think about being able to eat what I want without guilt and ruminating over it afterwards, without always thinking about food and worrying about what the numbers on the same tell me, it sounds so nice. But getting there feels so out of reach, something that belongs in the “too hard” basket. The alternative is to keep on doing what I’ve been doing- restricting what I eat and pushing myself to drive the numbers on the scale lower and lower with each passing day. In some ways it’s easier than recovery, in other ways it’s just as hard.

23 thoughts on “Home 7 weeks later, 5kg heavier

  1. Wow. So self centered. So many things you could be doing to help other people yet you still only focus on yourself and your needs.
    Throw the damn scale out. Start eating. Your a human being. God gave you your body and your body needs fuel just like everyone elses.
    Get rid of your mirrors too. Start working on beauty on the inside, not the outside.
    I wont be sending any more comments after today. I personally feel that sugar coating the truth wont help you.
    Focusing on your weight is selfish and totally self centred. Start focusing on others in your life. See if you can help them. Start with your mom. What can you do to bring sunshine into her life.
    Christmas is coming so its a perfect time to really start giving your time to others. For goodness sakes take the focus off yourself. You can make a decision here and now to be well and to devote yourself to helping others and taking care of all the gifts god has given you and that includes feeding your sacred body.

    • Oh my god. What a horribly demoralizing comment. Clearly Will Find Hope is struggling from numerous mental illnesses and this tough love approach is complete bullshit. Christmas IS indeed coming, GRINCH. Maybe your heart could do with growing 2 more sizes. Check out the movie, I think it would be like looking in a mirror.

      Will Find Hope, I have been following your blog for a while now and this is my first comment. I sincerely hope you reach out for more help but I so understand that feeling of just wanting to revert back to what you were doing prior to admission. It’s way easier to follow that old routine and it’s such hard hard work changing your brain, altering your thinking, and allowing food to be OK. I struggle similarily but not nearly to the degree you do. I really hope you find some aid in your struggles and connect with at least 1 mental health professional that can treat your illnesses properly, with compassion and knowledge. It helps if that person that’s working with you is “on your side”.

      Good luck with everything. You can get better. Try to focus on letting go of the anger that this admission created in you and taking tiny tiny steps to getting better. Allow yourself to enjoy food again, even if it’s small portions still. You can do it.

    • That is a horrible thing to say! You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. And more importantly, a person with an eating disorder just thinks this way. That’s like telling someone with cancer to stop worrying about their chemo and go help other people while they die. Focusing on weight is not selfish, even if you don’t have any eating disorder. You can’t help anyone until you help yourself. You are a terrible person for saying those things. How rude. Understand the disorder before you judge someone with it.

      And to Behind the Facade, I am glad you got out of there because it didn’t sound like they were helping you. I really hope that you can get to a good place in your life where weight doesn’t dictate it, but I’m four years into my recovery and I’m not completely there yet either. A good doctor is vital. I left my treatment team because they were stupid and I didn’t like them. My dietitian was also an idiot and called me fat.

    • @Michele what a hypocrite you are. Lecturing WillFindHope about helping others when you spend your life trolling the internet making fun of mentally ill people. What have YOU done to help anyone? You sound like a sick nasty sort of person and the world would be better off without you. Meanwhile the blog author is studying to be an occupational therapist so she can actually help people. Get a clue.

  2. Do you have enough money to see a private psychiatrist? I agree that if you don’t have a good connection with the registrar things become more difficult. Finding a doctor that you connect with is pretty important and you may be more likely to find someone by going private.
    I also know that some psychiatrists charge a sliding scale, so you may be able to get one that is more affordable. Unfortunately I don’t know where you’d find a doctor that does charge a sliding scale.
    I hope you do go see the registrar, some help is better than no help.
    Hope you are doing okay.

    • The outpatient psych registrar I’ve been seeing is actually okay though, and I’ll probably continue seeing her. I used to see a private psychiatrist, but they’re expensive and the good ones usually have a long wait to see them or aren’t taking on new patients.

  3. Can’t and won’t are two very different things.

    If you can’t follow the meal plan, things can be put in place to help you so that you can.

    If you won’t follow the meal plan, that’s your personal choice.

  4. Did they end up putting you on a CTO? If not you don’t have to see anyone if you don’t want to, but you probably know that already. What about a ‘case manager’ ?

    • Nope no CTO so I’ve cancelled both the psychiatric registrar appointment and dietitian appointment. I’m apparently meant to have a community mental health nurse be my case manager but I’ve not met her so don’t know what’s going on with that.

  5. My advice is throw away your scale and don’t buy another one. Focus on getting your nutrients. Are you getting enough vitamins in your diet? Did the doctors even test you for vitamin deficiency? Do you know your body fat %? It is so strange how doctors obsess over weight but ignore actual markers of health (body fat%, physical fitness,vitamin/mineral levels). Weight is not the end-all be-all. If you are menstruating chances are your body fat% is high enough. If you no longer have periods it’s a sign the body fat has dipped too low.

    Are you still taking Ensure? It can help maintain your weight.

    • The doctors did blood tests, not sure what specifically they tested for though. They didn’t measure my body fat percentage- they just focused on weight. I was still getting my period even at my lowest weight. No I’m not having Ensure any more.

    • The only accurate way to measure body fat percentage is extremely expensive and requires special machinery. It’s really only done for research.
      The only perfect way of doing it is an autopsy.

      Sorry, a dodgy little set of scales or a caliper is not going to cut it when deciding life or death matters.
      Doctors use measures that are completely accurate…

      • Doctors use BMI, which is outdated and doesn’t take muscle mass or body fat into account. They focus entirely on weight rather than treating the eating disorder itself.

  6. You were in hospital 7 weeks & they can’t even organize for you to meet your case manager & talk about what follow up it is, if any, that YOU want? sounds like a crap system to me…….

  7. Fair enough, but I still think they could have hooked you up with c/m prior to d/c. So what’s the plan now if you’re not having followup from anyone there? How are you doing at the moment I hope you’re managing ok

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