It’s been seven long weeks, and I’ve finally been discharged from hospital. I came in weighing 34.6 kg, and left at 39.4 kg this morning. Which would be 5 kg had it not been for my methods of artificially increasing my weight before weigh ins. Weighed myself without clothes on once I arrived home- my scales told me 38.3 kg.
Had a family meeting before discharge in the morning, with those present being my mum, the consultant psychiatrist, intern doctor, dietitian, nurse, and of course myself. What came out if it is they want me to maintain and not lose weight obviously, and for me to remain in contact with mental health services. I have an outpatient appointment with the psych registrar on the team next week, however, I don’t intend to go. I may be more inclined if the appointment was with someone I liked or at least feel neutral towards, but I don’t and see no value in going to see someone I can’t and won’t talk to. With having an appointment to see a dietitian I also feel it would be pointless, as I could have the most elaborate meal plan in the world, but it won’t do much good if I can’t and won’t follow it.
I’ve never been one to fast though- at least I do eat. I’ve never gone more than a day without eating anything. Just that what I do eat tends to be small amounts of fruit, vegetables, and a few things in between. Found myself falling straight back into old habits as soon as I got home. Chewing and spitting a whole lot of food. Not being able to allow myself to eat certain foods and feeling guilty at what I do eat, telling myself I didn’t need it.
It’s such a push-pull internal tug-of-war. When I think about being able to eat what I want without guilt and ruminating over it afterwards, without always thinking about food and worrying about what the numbers on the same tell me, it sounds so nice. But getting there feels so out of reach, something that belongs in the “too hard” basket. The alternative is to keep on doing what I’ve been doing- restricting what I eat and pushing myself to drive the numbers on the scale lower and lower with each passing day. In some ways it’s easier than recovery, in other ways it’s just as hard.