Forced ED treatment

In many ways, hospital admissions for depression are easier than hospital admissions for anorexia. With this admission it feels like there’s so many more rules and restrictions, and so much more to lose.

I’ve been getting my feeds through the nasogastric tube, as well as eating the majority of each of my meals so that I can get the NG tube out and ultimately leave hospital as soon as possible. With that, it feels as though I’m rapidly losing control. I’ve only very occasionally self harmed these past few months but over the past couple of days I’ve found those urges to cut returning. Of course, being in a psych ward I don’t have the means to do so and get increasingly desperate and distressed. I’ve tried to make do with punching the wall instead.

Over just the past two days I’ve gained 1.1kg. My stomach is so very bloated, and I look like I could be pregnant. On one hand that gets me out of here sooner. On the other hand, I’m disgusted at myself for eating. For gaining weight. For getting fatter and fatter, after months of hard work in losing that weight. I don’t want to see my body expanding before my eyes, feel the flab returning to my arms and legs, for my stomach to protrude, for my thigh gap to disappear.

The doctor said today that I could be here another three or four weeks. Tomorrow marks two weeks already that I’ve spent in hospital, the thought of another three or four weeks in here just feels horrible. I miss my freedom, and I miss having control over my life. Not to mention this screws up uni for me, yet again. Right now I want nothing more than to discharge myself from all mental health services so that I’m never ever forced into treatment and imprisoned against my will again. Unless they put me under a Community Treatment Order I don’t see what’s stopping me from just going home and losing this weight all over again.

10 thoughts on “Forced ED treatment

  1. Honestly, You’re lucky you dont have to be in there for months to a year at a time. Count yourself lucky. i know it sucks but it honestly could be worse.

  2. I’m so sorry that treatment is being so unpleasant. I can’t imagine how horrible this must feel.
    Like goldenpsych said, are you at least getting some therapy while you’re in hospital?

      • That is just pathetic. This is exactly why I’m wary of mental health care! Maybe it’s different in Australia but in the USA here’s how it works:
        – Eating Disorder patient admitted to hospital if BMI is under a cutoff number (often 16)
        – Patient kept in hospital, mindlessly force-fed, often through feeding tube
        – Patient released after BMI increases to cutoff number

        Basically no therapy is provided and the patient will simply lose weight again and most likely be re-admitted to the hospital. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness here.

        Actually it’s not very different for suicidal people. They’re forced into a hospital, no help is given, then released, then majority end up killing themselves anyway. What a joke the mental health industry is – it exists to make a profit all.

  3. I am NO professional but logic tells me that you need longer term help than what you are getting by being hospitalised.

    Like you have said yourself, you’ll just eat and get fed via the tube until they are satisfied by you putting on weight and seeming to eat ‘OK’ and then you’ll be out of hospital and lose the weight again.

    I wasn’t going to comment and I’m still cautious about saying this, but I’m only saying it because you have said it yourself.

    Is there someone you can say this to in the hospital? I’d like to know what their answer would be. I wouldn’t be afraid of telling them this because they’re not therefore going to keep you there longer and longer are they? You’re just telling them how it is and finding a longer term solution because what will happen most likely if you leave hospital and lose the weight again is that you will be hospitalised again, and NOBODY wants that. So where does the cycle end?

    I totally understand that it must be difficult for you to see these things because of the illness, so it’s therefore down to the professionals to give you the treatment you need – I hope they realise that.

    Feel good and look after yourself.

  4. hey wfh, havent been about and just bn catching up with your posts. so so sorry to hear things are really tough for you at the moment. ng tube fitting sounds excruciating, and can;t believe they’re just stuffing you full of food and not treating beyond the symptoms. i guess they’re just dealing with life threatening physical weight loss. but that’s no long term solution…..RAAAA!!!

    is the dbt still happening? Have you even seen an OT? mention that you know the benefits OT could bring to your recovery, and perhaps it would be worth you seeing one. Yes, you may know on an academic level what they’ll be suggesting, but right now, you are a client, not a (student) therapist, and both knowing the theory can help build the therapeutic realationship etc etc.
    sending you best wishes and hugs for some better times ahead.
    take care.
    tag xx

  5. I found your blog today, and I’ve been reading your story (even from back in 2010) and it makes me feel better that it’s not just me, and you’re really inspiring. I do hope you get better soon xxxx

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