I was woken up at 6am this morning to be weighed. I was not impressed at being woken this early. They actually did it “properly” this time- first thing in the morning, with a light dressing gown and with scales on a hard surface. Thus, it was the lowest reading over the past few days- 34.6kg.
In the morning I snuck downstairs to the vending machine to buy myself a Diet Coke. Unfortunately I was spotted by the dietitian who told me I shouldn’t be having it as it’ll just fill me up with water and caffeine while providing no nutrition. I was also told I’m on fluid restriction as my ECG came back abnormal, which was news to me. Would’ve been nice to be told these things.
I was seen by the team, consisting of the consultant psychiatrist, registrar, medical doctor, two medical students plus a nurse also present. The consultant is the same one I had last time I was inpatient in May. I was again told the dangers of anorexia, the risk of refeeding syndrome, and warned that if I continue not eating and losing weight, they will feed me through a nasogastric tube.
The dietitian then came to see me again, asked me how much I’ve been eating in hospital, and increased the number of Ensures to two daily. She also mentioned getting an NG tube if I’m not getting adequate nourishment.
Before lunch, I was told by the nurse “If you don’t eat, you’ll be put on one to one specials.” I was not impressed at all that they’ll punish me in this way if I don’t eat. Being specialled when someone is at risk of harm to themselves or others I can understand, but this? This was a thinly veiled threat of punishment. I ate some of my meal, but when I stood up the nurse commented “You didn’t finish your meal.” “But I did eat,” I protested, and burst into tears. I was also told I have to remain in the dining room for 45mins after a meal, presumably so I don’t purge.
Before dinner I was stressing and crying about having to eat, and I had some of the soup.
I’m feeling pretty miserable today. I’m scared to eat and to gain weight, and I’m scared of getting tubed and being force fed. It’s a lose lose situation either way. I don’t need this much food, I don’t need to gain weight and I just want to be out of hospital. I was feeling fine before coming in, and now I’m feeling terrible 😦