Hospital Day 3

I was woken up at 6am this morning to be weighed. I was not impressed at being woken this early. They actually did it “properly” this time- first thing in the morning, with a light dressing gown and with scales on a hard surface. Thus, it was the lowest reading over the past few days- 34.6kg.

In the morning I snuck downstairs to the vending machine to buy myself a Diet Coke. Unfortunately I was spotted by the dietitian who told me I shouldn’t be having it as it’ll just fill me up with water and caffeine while providing no nutrition. I was also told I’m on fluid restriction as my ECG came back abnormal, which was news to me. Would’ve been nice to be told these things.

I was seen by the team, consisting of the consultant psychiatrist, registrar, medical doctor, two medical students plus a nurse also present. The consultant is the same one I had last time I was inpatient in May. I was again told the dangers of anorexia, the risk of refeeding syndrome, and warned that if I continue not eating and losing weight, they will feed me through a nasogastric tube.

The dietitian then came to see me again, asked me how much I’ve been eating in hospital, and increased the number of Ensures to two daily. She also mentioned getting an NG tube if I’m not getting adequate nourishment.

Before lunch, I was told by the nurse “If you don’t eat, you’ll be put on one to one specials.” I was not impressed at all that they’ll punish me in this way if I don’t eat. Being specialled when someone is at risk of harm to themselves or others I can understand, but this? This was a thinly veiled threat of punishment. I ate some of my meal, but when I stood up the nurse commented “You didn’t finish your meal.” “But I did eat,” I protested, and burst into tears. I was also told I have to remain in the dining room for 45mins after a meal, presumably so I don’t purge.

Before dinner I was stressing and crying about having to eat, and I had some of the soup.

I’m feeling pretty miserable today. I’m scared to eat and to gain weight, and I’m scared of getting tubed and being force fed. It’s a lose lose situation either way. I don’t need this much food, I don’t need to gain weight and I just want to be out of hospital. I was feeling fine before coming in, and now I’m feeling terrible 😦

6 thoughts on “Hospital Day 3

  1. I stumbled across this blog and have read your recent posts. Clearly you are not stupid. So you realize that in order for your brain and body to function well, you need to eat properly. At the moment you’re refusing to do that, which is your choice, but by doing so you’re prolonging your hospital stay and wasting your own time (as well as the time of nurses, doctors etc). Eat a healthy amount for a week or so and your weight will likely go up to the point where you can be discharged. Then you’ll be free to do whatever you want! Best of luck

    • Eating disorders are not choices. It’s a mental illness that needs to be approached physically & mentally. In no way are resources being wasted & it’s rude to even imply that obviously there is no or lack of understanding in eating disorders. Time, love, patience & respect is needed to ensure that change is long lasting not just a quick weight gain that unravels once discharged.

      • Gosh! I don’t claim to understand eating disorders, never having suffered from one, but I have experienced other forms of mental illness and I know what a struggle it can be and how it can be made worse by healthy people assuming that thoughts and actions can be boiled down to a “choice”. Yes, willfindhope needs to gain some weight to be healthy and, yes, if she ate more she would be discharged quickly. But nothing is that simple. Willfindhope, I wish you strength as you go through this ordeal and I hope that one day you will no longer have to battle this illness. You are not wasting anything and you are worthy of a happy and fulfilling life.

      • I myself suffered from an eating disorder from age 16 – 20 so I don’t need to be lectured on what an eating disorder is or isn’t, I’m not ignorant.

        If ED’s did not involve choices, there would be no point in treating it, because you could never teach the patient healthy eating strategies. If ED’s did not involve choices, all ED patients would simply live in hospitals on feeding tubes. The very fact that ED’s can be treated successfully reveals that patients have the power to make their own choices instead of being force-fed for life. I made the choice to recover by eating healthy again. It was extremely difficult for me but looking back, I was so privileged in doing so since many people don’t even have food for basic nourishment.

        But people are afraid to acknowledge this because it requires taking responsibility for their actions. Much easier to victimize yourself and hide ‘behind the facade’ and let the medical team make your choices while you rot away. Again: her choice and you’re not doing WillFindHope any favors by pretending otherwise.

  2. I know that you don’t want to gain weight, and you don’t want to be in hospital, but I draw your attention to your post on the 11th of August.
    You know you need help.
    You know you want help.
    Imagine being free of of your ED, being free of your depression. These people are there to help you. They actually, genuinely want to help you in any way they can.

    And please don’t think I’m judging you. (I’m avoiding CBT homework as I type!) I remember when I was not ready to accept help and it had me running around stuck in an “I don’t need help”/”Please help me” cycle. If you can work with your team, even for small goals it will help ease your suffering.
    Is there anything that you want help for while you’re in hospital? Do you get anxious asking questions in tutorials? Did you have a bad experience that still gives you nightmares? Sit down and work out what symptoms are troubling you and see if you can pick an easy one to work on first.
    They will focus on your weight, because this is what is concerning them most. And I’m sure you’ve heard a thousand times, but having such a low weight has serious health implications.
    You’re intelligent enough to know that you are underweight, no matter that your head is telling you otherwise. Try and work with the team as much as you are able. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t improve immediately. These things take time.

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