I step on the scales, and they tell me I’ve lost weight, but to me I look the same. Apparently my family and relatives can though. “Willfindhope, have you lost weight?” my aunt suddenly piped up from across the table at a family dinner. “Hmm? No…” “Yeah, your bones are sticking out and your face looks thinner,” my other aunt says. “If you hadn’t pointed it out I wouldn’t have noticed.”
Visited my parents this morning and as I predicted, my mum brought it up. She asked me whether I’d been eating. “Yes.” “What do you cook?” “Stir-fry, sushi…” “How much do you weight now? Under 40 kg?” “I don’t know.” All blatant lies, given all I’ve really been eating are frozen vegetables, carrots with dip and fruit, and I know exactly how much I weigh as I step on the scales multiple times a day. 36.1 kg, which means my BMI is now 14.5, and I don’t think my mum would be thrilled if she knew.
I guess my mum didn’t quite believe me when I said I’ve been eating. “You can’t be this skinny if you’ve been eating properly.” She questioned whether it was because I’m too lazy to cook, and suggested I come home to eat if I am. No, that’s not it. She asked whether it’s because I’ve been stressed that I haven’t been eating. No. Is it because I don’t have an appetite? “Yes I’m just not that hungry,” I said. “It’s not because you don’t want to spend money on food, is it?” Lol, I know I’m thrifty, but I’m not that thrifty.
On the other hand, there are people that say I’m fine. The psychiatric registrar I see at A St for example, who doesn’t seem to think it’s all that concerning at all. After all, my blood test results came back fine and according to her it’s fine that I’ve cut out carbs, meat and fats from my diet. I was told that issues with eating is a symptom of anxiety, there’s not much good in focusing on nutrition without exploring what’s going on inside someone’s head, and so I should keep attending emotional regulation groups with the aim of doing DBT. Mmmokay then.
Then there’s also my boyfriend who thinks I look fine, that what I’ve been eating is fine. He thinks that it’s “just a phase” and it’s fine “as long as you don’t get below 30 kg.”
Neither approach is helpful and makes me just want everyone to go away. Nagging me about how thin I am and telling me I should eat doesn’t help when I don’t feel as though I can allow myself to, and being given all this food is somewhat pointless when I won’t eat it anyway or will just chew and spit it. Obviously being dismissed isn’t helpful either, and um, if I was 30 kg I’d have a BMI of 12, at which one would be really quite ill.
Whereas in the past I used to have more of a problem with purging, these days it’s more chewing and spitting. Daily I find myself chewing and spitting a whole lot of food. I hate that I’m wasting all this money and food in this way, but I just can’t stop.