*ED Trigger*

I don’t know how people put up with an eating disorder for years and years because I seriously can’t live this way. It’s hard to concentrate on much else when all that’s playing on my mind is weight, food, calories, BMI, eating/not eating, the size of my body, exercise and everything else in between. Day in and day out I find myself either restricting or eating and purging or chewing and spitting out a whole load of food. I’m currently feeling physically awful after starting the day with eating and purging at 7:30am and ending the day at 9:30pm with eating and purging for the fourth time today.

I’d been going fine for years, eating normally and only purging now and then. And now I find myself descending back into eating disordered behaviours. Now that I’ve moved out of home, it’s so much easier to engage in these eating disordered behaviours. Without my parents or family members around, it’s so much easier to restrict, binge, purge or chew and spit without anyone knowing.

I’m afraid this is going to lead me to failing my uni classes. I’m afraid that part of me is just tired and doesn’t even care any more. And hey, who cares about uni, as long as you’re skinny, right?

I’ve lost a few kilos and am very close to the weight I was at 16 years old. My BMI tells me I’m underweight at 15.4 but I honestly don’t look it at all. My body size just looks average. Not thin. Not think enough.

I want to go back to eating normally and without guilt, not having to weigh myself multiple times a day and not having my mind consumed with this. I want going out to eat with my boyfriend, family or friends to be fun and carefree again. But I don’t know how the hell to do so and I wish I did. I may have been a bit heavier but gosh was I happier too.

3 thoughts on “*ED Trigger*

  1. Wow. I wish you were here so I coyld help you! The answer to your problem is very simple. You need to learn how to eat real food. Dont concentrate on calories and your scale or bmi. Concentrate on finding the healthiest organic food you can find to put into your body. Start your own organic garden. Even an inside garden if you dint have a yard. Eat only organic fruits and vegetables grains seeds and nuts. If you have access to organic free range eggs and dairy include that into your diet as well. Stop concentrating on quantity and start concentrating on quality of the food you put inside of you. I promise you that you will be healed eating this way and you will fal in love with nature again. I used to have an eating disorder. It is gone now. I am devoting my life to growing sustainable organic food for myself and my community. I have physically never felt better. I wish you luck and I know that organic whole foods will change your life! Your friend, michele

  2. Gosh, I know how you feel! Though I am faaar from underweight! I wish i was! But anyway, remember that your eating disorder is like a distorted mirror – you think you look average, but i can tell you now – a bmi of 15.4 is extraordinarily thin and unhealthy! And I bet everyone else can see that! Hun, its also really dangerous to be at such a low weight! Xx

  3. Hey love.
    Do you have a good gp? I think it might be worth going and seeing them?
    Speaking from the perspective of having had an ED for more than a decade now (ugh) it only gets more shit, and more exhausting Restricting does nothing to me, I have screwed up my metabolism so badly. I can eat basically nothing over a fairly large period of time and lose no weight, just retain water and feel physically very unwell. I seesaw from eating to not eating so often, and neither make things easier, I now just feel shit in both circumstances. Please try to get some help before you deteriorate more physically and mentally. I also have to disagree with the first comment, it’s not about what type of food you’re eating. Changing what you eat only changes the obsession from one thing to another.

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