I don’t know how people put up with an eating disorder for years and years because I seriously can’t live this way. It’s hard to concentrate on much else when all that’s playing on my mind is weight, food, calories, BMI, eating/not eating, the size of my body, exercise and everything else in between. Day in and day out I find myself either restricting or eating and purging or chewing and spitting out a whole load of food. I’m currently feeling physically awful after starting the day with eating and purging at 7:30am and ending the day at 9:30pm with eating and purging for the fourth time today.
I’d been going fine for years, eating normally and only purging now and then. And now I find myself descending back into eating disordered behaviours. Now that I’ve moved out of home, it’s so much easier to engage in these eating disordered behaviours. Without my parents or family members around, it’s so much easier to restrict, binge, purge or chew and spit without anyone knowing.
I’m afraid this is going to lead me to failing my uni classes. I’m afraid that part of me is just tired and doesn’t even care any more. And hey, who cares about uni, as long as you’re skinny, right?
I’ve lost a few kilos and am very close to the weight I was at 16 years old. My BMI tells me I’m underweight at 15.4 but I honestly don’t look it at all. My body size just looks average. Not thin. Not think enough.
I want to go back to eating normally and without guilt, not having to weigh myself multiple times a day and not having my mind consumed with this. I want going out to eat with my boyfriend, family or friends to be fun and carefree again. But I don’t know how the hell to do so and I wish I did. I may have been a bit heavier but gosh was I happier too.