No matter how many times I go through this, being discharged always brings about a mix of emotions. Feeling glad to go home yet terrified at the same time. I was discharged yesterday afternoon. The first few days back home are always hard. Feelings of loneliness and everything being too much threaten to push down on me as I try to push them back.
I’ve reluctantly agreed to be referred to the group program. C, who runs the group program and is also my tutor at uni, came to see me briefly. One of the things she asked me is how I feel about her being someone who runs groups as well as my tutor. I wasn’t sure, and told her so. She said that although I may see her at the group place, I probably won’t have her as the actual group therapist because I did already know her. For the actual pre group assessment, someone else came to do that with me. It was explained that to do the DBT group, one must first complete two other groups before being assessed again for DBT. It was decided that I’d first do Introduction to Group Therapy then the Emotional Regulation group. There are two types of DBT groups on offer, DBT skills which runs for 16 weeks, and the full DBT program which runs for a year. All groups go for 2 hours weekly, with an additional 1 hour individual therapy session weekly for the full DBT. During her explanation of DBT, she told me that Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT also had Borderline Personality Disorder. Is that supposed to make me feel better about it? When I asked her whether there is a waitlist for groups, she answered that sometimes there is, but they’re usually able to get through it pretty quickly. Given I was on the DBT waitlist for a year last time I was referred, it seemed at odds with my experience. I suspect what’s changed is this time I’ve had seven ODs resulting in ED treatment and five psych admissions under my belt plus I’m not seeing anyone on an outpatient basis. Last time I was referred I was still seeing a private psychiatrist, plus I’d only been in the ED twice and had one psych admission.
I’ve decided to go part time at uni, which means dropping out of two units this semester. In hindsight I should have done so at the beginning of the semester. Up to the point where I was hospitalised, I’d attended all classes and completed all the work, so it feels like such a shame that all that time and effort is going to waste. There are both pros and cons to going part time. The pros are that it means I will be less stressed and have more time to look after myself and do other things. The cons though are that obviously it will add more time to my degree and my friends will progress to the next year without me. I hate feeling left behind like this, while it seems everyone else my age has already graduated and gone on to get real jobs.