Torn

I’m feeling so torn between wanting to give life a good go and feeling like it’s all too hard and I want to just give up. I’m realising how BPD actually affects me, and I fear I’m going to be imprisoned within it for the rest of my life.

My boyfriend has been amazing and very supportive, especially given this is the first time he’s ever had to deal with the world of mental illness before. As much as I love him for it, it also terrifies me. The fear of abandonment has always stopped me from becoming too emotionally attached to anyone to protect myself from getting hurt. He’s told me that he’ll stick by me, that he loves me and wants to be with me. At this point my instinct is to run and push him away. I’ve played out this pattern with psychologists before and I don’t want to play this out in real life. But it feels like such a risk to let my guard down and I’m not sure I could cope with the fallout if he does eventually abandon me and let me down.

The psychiatrists are still keen for me to do DBT and apparently the woman who runs the groups will be coming to have a chat with me about it. Problem is, she is also my tutor for my Counselling and Group Work and I’m not sure how I’m going to face her in class after this. Up until now I’ve managed to keep my professional OT student role fairly separate from being a consumer of mental health services and now they’re about to collide. I’m reminded again how small the mental health sector is.

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