Locked ward to open ward

Well. It’s been a turbulent past few days to say the least.

Sunday afternoon I took an overdose of paracetamol. Felt really nauseous afterwards and called the ambulance myself. Was transported to the ED. The doctor suspected I had taken something else as my ECG was apparently “very abnormal.” I however, definitely had not. Was told something completely different the next day by another doctor who said my ECG was normal. And so I was put on a NAC infusion and a psych liaison nurse came to have a chat. The plan then was to discharge me after the NAC had all gone through.

The next day however, another group of psych doctors assessed me. Somehow on the second day I always feel worse, as I think about how it feels as though I always turn back to this and that nothing will ever help. My wishy washy answers to what my plans were after leaving the ED didn’t really help my case, and they talked of admitting me.

Upon the NAC infusion finishing at about 5pm, I was told that I had to wait around to be seen by a psych liaison nurse yet again, who didn’t start until 7:30pm. Waited around for a bit. Pulled my cannula out. Eventually I just walked out, as I didn’t feel like mental health services will do anything to help anyway and I felt frustrated.

Walked around town for a bit, sat crying and feeling hopeless for another bit. Got 2 missed calls and messages from the ED and ignored it. Eventually wound up at the train station and sat watching the trains, wondering what it’d be like to walk in front of one. Half wishing I had the guts to do so. A friend called and I talked to her for a bit, after which I intended to just take the bus home. However, I then got a call from the police, who said they had to spot me before they could write the job off as done. Was met by the police, and when I expressed by reluctance to return to hospital, I was told I had to come with them and “You’re under the Mental Health Act.” Wasn’t sure how serious they were, but I wasn’t willing to test it out. And so back in the ED I go.

Cue more waiting around, and me crying and feeling miserable. Was assessed by another psych doctor, after which I was transferred to a locked ward. Was patted down by a nurse in a bare room with a mattress with about 4 other nurse watching, then had my phone, jacket, necklace and bra taken off me.

The next day the doctors came to talk to me. It was then I was told I have Bullshit Psychiatric Diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder. “Has anyone ever discussed this diagnosis with you before?” the doctor asked. Umm no, because I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD before- I’ve only been ever been told I don’t have BPD. Sigh. They thought it a good idea for me to do DBT, I was rather ambivalent.

Later on at night while I was in the TV room, a patient came it and told me “You better leave, as I’m going to start throwing things soon.” Told her I was staying as I was watching TV here first. She responded by saying she was going to start throwing things in the direction I was sitting. “Well throw it in the opposite direction then,” I said. True to her word, she started throwing things, nurses came and told me to leave, the duress alarm was pressed and she was restrained and escorted to a seclusion room.

The next day when the doctors came to see me again, I expressed that I didn’t find it helpful to be in hospital and that I didn’t see the point. Doctor responded by saying they still thought DBT would be helpful and maybe I’ll change my mind about it. Hmm yes. He also said that with a personality disorder, it’s very possible to get better, less difficult than a chemical disorder like major depression or bipolar. “But I thought a personality disorder is a lifelong thing,” I disputed. BPD more treatable and a better prognosis than depression?! First time I’ve heard that ever. The good news though is that I was them moved to an open ward, where I am at the moment. He warned me that I’d still be under the Mental Health Act, and if I abscond I will be brought back to hospital by the police. Currently I’m on 1:1 specials.

Was given a copy of the form I’m on at the moment, Form 4 under the Mental Health Act which means I can be detained for up to 72 hrs from admission to be assessed. It expires tomorrow night.

So far I’ve managed to keep this from my family. Not sure how long I’ll manage to keep this up, what I’m hoping is they’ll meet have to find out. My boyfriend has been visiting. It’s the first time he’s been exposed to when I’ve actually been unwell. He’s been good, but sometimes it’s hard when he’s never been exposed to mental illness prior to this. He obviously knows I’m under the Mental Health Act and I’ve told him about the BPD and the recommended DBT. I can’t help wondering though, “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone a lot less complicated?”

3 thoughts on “Locked ward to open ward

  1. Hi, doll. Starrlitlove from twitter. I know we don’t talk much, but I’m thinking about you. I have known lots of people with BPD that do DBT and it helps them tremendously. You should follow @healingfrombpd on twitter. She is actually in recovery from BPD. Her doctor says that she now no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis because of the work she’s done with DBT. It is possible to recover. I think trying anything at this point couldn’t hurt, right? You can beat this. You can be happy. @healingfrombpd also follows many other people with BPD, that are amazing people. She can recommend lots of resources for you. Stay strong, love.

  2. DBT is not a legitimate diagnosis. It’s an excuse for the greedy mental health industries to sell pharmaceuticals and make a fortune off of vulnerable people like yourself. That’s why there’s no medical test for DBT like there is for real diseases – it’s just something they made up! If you’re still in the hospital, my advice is to check yourself out, stop taking any meds they gave you – believe me, they’re toxic and the point is to make you dependent. Or you can continue to victimize yourself by being dependent on these uninformed money-grubbers: your choice really.

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