The past week and a half has been hard. Numbness, apathy and anxiety have all been present. There have been a couple of nights where I’ve come very close to overdosing as a way to self harm. Knowing that I had things to do and places to be the next day stopped me on Tuesday night. Went and bought a pack of paracetamol on Wednesday night before going to the park and sitting by the riverside for a while. Tried to remind myself that this isn’t me any more, that I’ve gone over a year without overdosing. In the end I went home and the pack of paracetamol still remains in my shopping bag.
There’s a part of me that almost wants to dare things to slide to rock bottom so at least I know where I stand. Being stuck in limbo feels almost worse. Not feeling well, but also not quite at my worst. Waiting, waiting for either things to get better or to slip into “I can’t do this any more.”
This past week I haven’t had uni and thus have been able to sleep until 10, 11am and returned to bed when the tiredness, feelings of anxiety or the world has felt too much. This coming week uni returns and it could go either way.