About a week ago my mum told me that her and my father were planning to go on holiday at the end of the year and they wanted me to stay with my 16 year old brother while they’re gone. I didn’t give too much thought to it until yesterday when I asked my parents the details of their trip. Turns out they’re holidaying around Europe then going to Indonesia for an entire month. It’s been bothering me and I couldn’t quite work out why until now.
The first and last time my parents went away and left my brother and I at home was in April/May 2011. Which ended up being a disaster as I overdosed and subsequently landed myself in hospital. Ever since, they’ve been reluctant to leave us both home alone. Until now, apparently.
It should be a good thing that I’m now “trusted”. Except that it also really scares me that they and possibly everyone else assume that I’m completely better and that I’m not going to become unwell again. Just because I haven’t been in hospital or overdosed in over a year doesn’t mean that I don’t still get thoughts of doing so. It also puts me under immense pressure as everyone seems to expect that I’m well and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I’m terrified of becoming unwell any time, but even more so if it happens while my parents are overseas and I’m meant to be looking after my brother. Additionally, staying at my parents’ home with my brother still holds bad memories of how it turned out last time.