Escape

Sometimes, I’m tired of fighting. I’m trying to tell myself that I can get through the obstacles that life throws at me, but more often than not I’m not so sure. On the exterior I’m trying to appear independent and capable, but on the inside I feel timid, scared and full of anxiety.

I’m moving out in less than a month, on 1st of December. Mostly to escape from my father. Was told last week during a screaming match between him and I that if I’m not going to abide by his rules, then I can leave and go find somewhere else to live. Apparently he’s “always right” and so my mum is not allowed to defend me against him. He threatened my mum that he’ll leave if she defends me against him again. But it’s fine, I’m leaving so it won’t likely happen again.

I’m terrified though. There’s the financial side of it, with the rent, cost of living and other expenses. Having to be an adult when I’m still so unsure about myself. Wondering if I’ll be able to cope and manage on my own and still keep up with my studies. A part of me also grieves for my childhood which was littered with difficult times and never having a proper dad as as I move towards being an ‘adult’.

It might make it easier if I had support but I don’t, and I feel so alone in the world.

10 thoughts on “Escape

  1. Feel for you. Moving out was good for me in that it got me away from a lot of the domestic drama. But you are right, the financial side is a toughy. I’ve also found I fall back into relapses a lot more easily – but I live alone, and I’m pretty sure you’re sharing? X

  2. I hope that getting away from your dad will really help you. Moving out for the first time is scary, so it’s perfectly understandable to feel overwhelmed. Are you going to be living alone?

    xxx

  3. My daughter, who has borderline, finally moved out at 22. I was more scared than she was, but she’s doing ok. You are stronger than you think, you can do this. And you are not alone, there are people out here in the madosphere that care about you. {{{hugs}}}

  4. I can understand the anxiety and fear, it’s moving into the unknown. All I can say is that I believe you can do it, even if you don’t believe it yourself. And that for me at least (and others I know) moving out turned out to be one of the best things I’ve done.

    Doesn’t mean you are forever cut off from your parents and your life before, but it does mean that you’ll have more control over how much it enters or controls your life – the ability to hang up on your parents and not have to speak to them can be amazingly liberating, and certainly in my case made having a relationship at all much easier, because I could walk away if they crossed the line, the boundary I created.

    And I’m 30, moved out 11 years ago and still don’t consider myself an adult…

    But the freedom, even to just be yourself, trust me it’s worth it. Hope the move goes smoothly. And that your new home is all that you hope for it, and a safe place that you can fill with happy memories.

    Take care,
    Eliana

  5. As one who has lived with his parents on and off (currently off) his whole life, I can tell you there’s a definite positive difference–more room to grow into yourself. More room to make your own mistakes, too, and take the consequences, and grow from there. The mental stuff makes it (feel like) 100x harder–there are still times I desperately want to be dependent, a child, and not have to take responsibility. But overall it’s worth it. You just have to take one thing at a time. Don’t let everything crowd you at once, overwhelm you. Deal with just one thing, whatever’s in front of you. (There is something to that mindfulness crap, for me, even though it seems to only deal with the surface.) Good luck! We’ll all be thinking about you.

  6. Hang in there. And thinking of you. Financial stress is one of the hardest and scariest kinds of stress there is, but you are strong, and you can do this. Are you moving into the place where you will be supporting the other person or into the apartment with students? I see enormous social benefits to the student apartment but tremendous mental health benefits to taking off a financial burden. Curious with you decided.

  7. Hey,
    Good luck with the move. Yep it’s scary, but has sooooo many positives too – focus on them. And when things get difficult (cos they will – life is annoyingly like that!) tackle things one at a time. Enjoy the excitement too.
    hugs.xx

  8. i hope all is well. i moved out of my parents house when i was 20. luckily i have never had to move back, that was over 5 years ago and it was the best thing i ever done. i like having my own time. i hope it all does ok.

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