Sometimes, I’m tired of fighting. I’m trying to tell myself that I can get through the obstacles that life throws at me, but more often than not I’m not so sure. On the exterior I’m trying to appear independent and capable, but on the inside I feel timid, scared and full of anxiety.
I’m moving out in less than a month, on 1st of December. Mostly to escape from my father. Was told last week during a screaming match between him and I that if I’m not going to abide by his rules, then I can leave and go find somewhere else to live. Apparently he’s “always right” and so my mum is not allowed to defend me against him. He threatened my mum that he’ll leave if she defends me against him again. But it’s fine, I’m leaving so it won’t likely happen again.
I’m terrified though. There’s the financial side of it, with the rent, cost of living and other expenses. Having to be an adult when I’m still so unsure about myself. Wondering if I’ll be able to cope and manage on my own and still keep up with my studies. A part of me also grieves for my childhood which was littered with difficult times and never having a proper dad as as I move towards being an ‘adult’.
It might make it easier if I had support but I don’t, and I feel so alone in the world.