It’s difficult trying to find the balance between trying to stay on top of everything, trying to take action in my life and not overloading myself with too much stress and end up completely giving up on life. Have been feeling rather anxious lately, which is probably understandable given all that I’ve taken on and am trying to do.
Had a try of a new job this week. It’s an easy job, just spending time going on an outing with a woman who has a mild intellectual disability. It pays well too. Whether this will be ongoing though I’m not sure, as they are trialling another person too. I also potentially have an interview for another job next week. It’s for the position of being a live-in support for a woman with Downs Syndrome, free rent in exchange for part time support. I’ve also been looking for a room to rent so I can move out. Though I want to be free of living in the same house as my father, I still have a lot of doubts and anxieties about whether I can do so. Can I afford it financially? Can I manage independently? In some ways I still feel like a child pretending to be an adult in an adult world.
On top of it all I still have uni work and assignments. Was totally panicking and crying about it all this week. Failed my neuroscience test yesterday. I feel bad for using my mental health issues as an excuse, but I went to my GP to get a medical certificate so I can get an extension on the assignments. Ended up crying when GP started talking about stuff. How for me, it’s been a cycle for a few years now that I end up in a crisis then back at hospital. That I can take medication but it doesn’t get to the bottom of it if I’m not seeing anyone. She doesn’t want to see me when I’m still 40 and doing this And that there are people who have been through so much, but they don’t act like victims. Which I thought was a bit unfair, as I AM trying, dammit. I’m trying to keep on top of uni, and asking for a bit more time on assignments, instead of just overdosing when the pressure gets too much, as I have done in the past. Because my father is one of the big triggers for unhappiness at home, I am trying to see if I can move out. I am trying to find employment so this plan is financially viable. Last uni break we had, I was the one who organised for us my group of friends to go out for lunch which in the past could be quite a challenge for me. Even though it can be hard, I am trying not to let friends who are unwell trigger me. I. Am. Trying. Dammit. GP seems to think that not seeing a psychologist equates to not taking action to try to beat depression and again suggested I consider seeing a psychologist. Seriously? That’s like putting me on the fast track to becoming unwell again. She did acknowledge though that it’s been about six months now that I haven’t overdosed and said “You should be proud of yourself.” Yes it has been six months, which is the longest I’ve gone without overdosing for about 2.5 years.