Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just better off by myself. Or better yet, myself with my dog. People however are just too hard and too complicated. People can get angry, they can get upset or they can decide they don’t like you very much. It may not be so bad for someone who can just brush it off and take it like it’s no big deal, but for me; I panic, I cry, I freak out and get the urge to self-destruct. That’s not even when it’s confirmed they’re peeved at me, it’s when I’ve interpreted their actions or what they’ve said in that way. Though I try to tell myself that it’s okay if not everyone likes me, it’s harder to truly convince myself of this. Then there’s the effort involved in keeping friends; thinking of things to talk about, making conversation, ensuring you appear bubbly and cheerful, putting in the effort to keep in contact, saying and doing the right things… Then what about when a relationship ends, and the feelings of hurt that come along with it?
This is why I think I do better when I’m not receiving treatment or therapy. Over the past few months I haven’t been seeing anyone at all, I currently don’t have a psychologist nor a psychiatrist. And I’ve been pretty stable. There have been times where therapy itself and the issues that arise in that relationship that have caused me to self harm or overdose.
Sometimes I question my studying to be an occupational therapist, such a people oriented career. One where you have to be confident and engaging and have the ability to build rapport and a therapeutic relationship with your clients. Clearly not my strongest abilities.
For one of our upcoming assignments, we have to find a child to observe typical development. Because I don’t know any, my only option really is to approach a child care or a school to ask whether I can observe a child there. The thought of having to do so provokes all this anxiety and so I keep avoiding and putting it off. And we have had a lot of these assignments where we had to find a child, have to find a workplace, have to find someone with a disability, find an elderly person…
A part of me just wants to declare this all too hard and pick up all my things, trek to some remote place and go declare myself a hermit. Life would be much simpler then.