Busy volunteering, studying & being a mental

Life has been rather busy up until this point. Doing things I want to be doing, as well as things I not so much want to be doing. Among that which I want to be doing, I attended a youth mental health roundtable a week ago. The first half of the day was spent providing feedback on the National Report Card on Mental Health. The group of young people in the room were great, all had such a wealth of experience and ideas to share and it was so inspiring to be part of this discussion on mental health. A range of issues were brought up including mental health services, mental health in Aboriginal and rural communities, mental health in schools, CALD issues, and others. The second half of the day was dedicated to providing feedback on the new youth mental health service that is currently in the process of being built. This new services is aimed at young people who are at ultra high risk of psychosis or emerging Borderline Personality Disorder. There were a couple of questions I brought up, BPD being something I feel rather strongly about given the prejudice that is often held against those with BPD, even when they’re in a vast amount of emotional pain and in need of support. One of my questions was regarding the six month limitation on this service. I wanted to know how six months is adequate for an illness such as BPD which often has a lot of underlying issues, and how they were going to deal with the issues of rejection and abandonment when the relationship is terminated at the conclusion of those six months. The answer I got is that their service is a starting point before going onto another service is required, which is fair enough, and that often if you’re clear with the young person from the beginning that at the end of six months they’ll have to move on, it will help so that the person doesn’t feel rejected. Is this usually the case? I don’t know. But I know for me, it’s part of the reason why I’m reluctant to see psychologists again. Because it just hurts too much when I’ve started to trust someone, they too leave.

Yesterday I was there while a conversation took place between the people who are setting up this new service. They were trying to work out how exactly ’emerging’ BPD is going to be defined for eligibility for their service. Another eligibility criteria is that someone has to have had a decline in their functioning. I asked whether someone who say self harms and are showing signs of BPD but are functioning fine in work/school/uni, whether they’d access this service. And the answer was no, they’d probably be accessing another service. It was interesting to me because there are definitions of mental illness that say it must impact on a person’s functioning. When I look at myself however, my daily functioning is very rarely impacted. I have never missed a lab class of uni due to feeling too depressed or anxious. When I’ve made a commitment to my volunteer work or going out with friends, I don’t think I’ve ever bailed because I was feeling too emotionally awful or anxious. The only time I have failed to attend these things is when I’ve been in hospital. Despite ending up in hospital at least once every semester that I’ve studied OT, I have not failed any classes and passed them all the first time round. So based on functioning, you could say I don’t have any serious mental health issues at all. But it’s my coping mechanisms and emotional reactions that get the better of me. Because things that most people are able to cope with in everyday life, I react by having a meltdown and overdosing. So it’s like functioning, functioning, functioning….then have a meltdown and crisis.

I finished my one and last exam on Wednesday. Though marks haven’t been released yet, I’m almost entirely confident I passed all four units. I’m thrilled because in three semesters of OT I’ve managed to pass three semester’s worth of units, whereas when I was studying pharmacy, in three semesters I hadn’t even managed to pass a full semester’s worth of units. Not to mention I’ve been inpatient in psych wards once per semester for all three semesters too during my OT course. I also went out with a group of my OT friends for lunch after we finished our exam, the first time ever I’ve gone out with friends from OT. Yes, after 1.5 years of studying in this course I finally have an actual group of friends that I belong to.

I’ve still been collecting my meds weekly from the pharmacy. An annoyance when I have to stop by on my way home from Uni on Fridays, an even bigger annoyance when I don’t have uni and have to go especially just to pick up meds. Using public transport. To make things worse, a girl I went to school with who was in my year and so we know each other, works at the pharmacy. I see her every Friday when I go get my weekly meds supply. Awkward. And so today being Friday, I went and was informed my box of Seroquel has run out and they’ll have to dispense a new script for me. Fine. Then the pharmacist asks me, rather loudly, “WFH, has the doctor lowered your dose of SEROQUEL?” Just announce to the whole pharmacy that I’m a mental, that’s fine… Turns our my GP faxed a script for two 25mg Seroquel tablets per night which I used to be on, instead of the correct one 50mg Seroquel XR tablet a night which I’ve been on since they changed it when I was in hospital. So it’s back to the GP I have to go, and there goes my plan to avoid her out the window. Not too keen to answer her probable questions about my not wanting to see the psychologist at A St. My answer if she asks what I plan to do in terms of getting help? Nothing. It’s my life and I choose and plan to do nothing.

I’m on break until Uni starts up again on July 9th and I have mixed feelings about this break. On one hand, it’s great to not have to do any study or uni work. On the other hand, it gives me quite a bit of spare time, too much spare time to dwell on how lonely I feel. It’s hard when I see people going out with their friends and I’m alone at home, reminded that I don’t really have people to hang out with. It feels pretty awful when it seems like everyone else has these wonderful close friendships and all these people to spend time with, and I don’t. I am headed to Melbourne and Sydney in a week though. Melbourne just for a couple of days to holiday as I’ve never been before, and Sydney both for a bit of a holiday and the Young Minds Conference, which I obtained a free ticket to.

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