I did give it a go. I mean, this was my third time meeting with this psychologist, though the first in terms of seeing him on his own. But I think it’s enough to determine whether I feel I can work with him or not. Unfortunately I just don’t feel I can.
I already had my reservations from that first time when I felt misunderstood and pushed into treatment I wasn’t keen on. And today I think he pushed too hard too soon for me to talk, given it’s our first actual session together. If you’re going to ask me to talk to you straight off about the reasons around my OD which I feel quite embarrassed and ashamed about, no I’m not going to do so. It takes time for me to open up and whomever I’m seeing, I need them to understand that.
He was also rather blunt. Yes, I know sugar coating everything and treading too lightly isn’t going to be the most helpful. But a bit of sensitivity wouldn’t go astray either.
About halfway through the session I could feel myself reacting by putting a barrier up and becoming oppositional. My responses were more abrupt. My attitude became one of indifference. I again grew resistant to the idea of therapy and change. Within this mode I stubbornly told him that I don’t want help and that I’m fine with how things are. That it’d be a waste of time coming back and he’d be better off seeing someone who actually wants the help and is ready to change. When asked whether I would come back for another session I said ‘no’. He told me he’d send a letter to my GP and I’ll discharged back to her.
How do I feel about that? Rather sick with anxiety really. I’m aware I’m choosing to throw away this opportunity for free psychological therapy that’s not limited by a certain number of allowable sessions. I know I’m lucky in that many people don’t get this kind of help. Just last week in the courtyard at A St I was reminded of this, listening to a woman sobbing to a nurse that she needed to see a psychologist but was still on a waitlist. But at the same time, I don’t see much good in seeing someone I don’t feel at ease with and cannot open up to. In a medical setting it wouldn’t matter so much, but within the context of mental health being comfortable with the person you’re seeing is important. Within the public system you don’t have to pay and the number of sessions is based on need, but you’re stuck with who they give you. In the private system, the advantage is that you get to choose who you see, but it’s costly and limited to ten sessions per year.
Don’t really know where to from here. I guess I’ll just have t see how things pan out.