Being made to get help again

It seems like I’m back on the ‘getting help’ bandwagon again. Huh. So much for my resolve to be rid of all services.

Received a call from the GP office this morning. 8:15am. Yep, not like I was asleep or anything… Was told that Dr L wants to see me and so I agreed to come in this morning. It seems as though she’s been bombarded with all these letters about me; from F Hospital telling her that I overdosed, from B Hospital telling her I’d recently been discharged, from the psychologist at A St telling her I’ve declined to see her, and another one from A St advising her how my medications should be managed.

Was asked by Dr L what I want to do if I don’t want to see anyone from A St. Could only shrug and shed some tears in response. She said she can’t comprehend being discharged from hospital following an overdose, slipping back into life where everything is the same, and deciding to accept no help whatsoever. And so she’s making me go see a psychologist again. Boo. Was told to either choose to go see the one at A St or be referred to a private one again, and come back with my decision in a week. I’m also about to become best buds with my local pharmacist, as apparently A St has advised her that I’m only to have weekly prescriptions. Yay, I can’t wait to become known to the pharmacy as the mental who can’t be trusted with more than a week’s worth of medication. FML. I’d complain about how humiliating it is, but then I’d probably get some smart arse commenting that I only have myself to blame for getting into this situation.

This afternoon I then received a call from K, the psychologist at A St. She told me she didn’t feel right leaving me be without any support, especially given my most recent hospital admission. I admitted I was upset and angry when I cancelled the appointment with her and “I guess” I could come in and see how things go. Not to mention Dr L is making me see someone anyway. Sigh. May as well go to the psychologist that’s free…

Both times I’ve spoken to K on the phone she’s sounded lovely. And that’s partly what scares me. I know she’s only temporary until I, the regular psychologist, comes back from holidays.  I’m afraid of getting to like her only to have her leave, like so many others before her. Knowing it’s unavoidable doesn’t make it hurt any less. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about deep and emotional matters and it’s just so painful when that one person I do have disappears. It leaves me feeling all the more lost and alone. 😦

It seems as though today is mental health professional “Let’s contact WFH day” and in the spirit of it all, D also emailed me back. It basically said that he appreciates what I’m saying and is still happy to attend an appointment with me should I decide to see a psychologist after all. Feeling bad about the “bugger off and screw services” email I sent him, I apologised, explained I was upset and irate when I wrote it, and informed him I’m going to see K after all, though I declined his offer to attend with me. I learnt that people are more likely and willing to respond to a civil email. Who could’ve known…! Ten minutes after I sent it off, I received a reply back telling me not to worry, he didn’t take it personally as he thought I was probably just upset when I wrote it, and wished me all the best. Well that’s that then with clinical psychologist #4. Surely if it doesn’t work out with #5 and #6, I’m allowed to quit then…?

6 thoughts on “Being made to get help again

  1. I have been reading your blog lately and wondering a few things. What is it you want? Given the choice regarding treatment etc, what would be your ideal? I know you say you don’t want to see anyone, but ultimately that is your decision, and if that really is what you want then nobody can force you to, unless they decide to section you. The most they can do is what they have done, and advise you to see someone. I feel like what you are doing at the moment is testing the boundaries. You are pushing them away to see whether or not they come back. You did it in your email to D, and even said you were curious about what he would say. And I think you did it when you were in hospital, saying you wanted to go home. I’m not saying it is a negative thing, I think it is something lots of us have done at times, I know I have. But I think it is important to try to be aware of what it is that you are actually doing, and what you do really want, because I feel like what you’re saying you want is possibly different to what you want deep down. It seems like essentially you want mental health services to be involved, and you want help from them, but you don’t want to let them in until you have proven to yourself that you can trust them, and you’re currently doing that by pushing them away and seeing if they stay involved. Which as I said, is understandable, but try to be aware of it, and also be careful, because generally there is a point reached when you push people away and they don’t come back, because you have done it too often, or because your behaviour gets dismissed as being unhelpful etc. I know it is really scary letting people in, and sometimes it seems much easier to push them away, but you’re not doing yourself any favours. I’m not saying this to be mean – I have been reading your blog for a long time now, as you know, and I care about you, and I also see an awful lot of me in you, particularly when I was your age, and over the last years I have seen you fall down some of the same holes that I fell down. Just really be honest with yourself about what it is you want, and what it is you are trying to achieve through your behaviours – otherwise ultimately it is going to be you who gets hurt, not the people you are pushing away. xxxx

  2. I have to say I agree. Reading your posts, I’m always wondering, “Well, what DOES she want?” If you want to push everyone away – and risk being alone and unable to find help when you really need it – I’m afraid you’re doing really well. It seems that people trying to care about you and help you is not what you want – or is it? I think you actually do want help, but you’re just afraid to accept it. I would be so sad to see you get sicker and perhaps lose touch with the world because you’ve rejected everybody who’s shown an interest in you. I care about you, too, but I really hope someone can get through that armour and show you that you’re worth it. Being helped does involve some submission and it does involve facing scary thoughts and feelings and behaviours – but I would love nothing more than to see you stop pushing people away and start to get better. Because it DOES get better! You are an intelligent and perceptive young woman with a lot of skill, intelligence and potential. Please give yourself a chance. xx

  3. You’ve had a lot of people leave really kind, insightful comments lately suggesting that you take a closer look at what you’re doing and I just wanted to say that I agree with them. If you keep behaving the way you are (refusing help from the services you’ve been complaining about for refusing to help you or not helping you well enough — essentially contradictory to everything you’ve been asking for until you actually got what you wanted) then you are alone are the one that will suffer. The people you’re complaining about can just walk away from all of this at the end of the job and not feel a thing because it’s just their job but it’s your life and your misery and your pain. If you want to change it you actually have to do something about it instead of just blog about how much it all sucks and how everyone is doing you wrong.

    You can choose how you handle these things. So far it looks like you’ve been choosing to behave like an obstinate child because you’ve been hurt and moreso it looks like you’re pretty aware of that fact. Given you know how you’re behaving it puts you in a really powerful position to say ‘okay I can behave differently now’ and take the mature, adult, help yourself high road.

    It might not mean that you feel better instantly – but in these sorts of situations there is never any instant cure (which you also know). Maybe it’s time to put blogging about how the world has done you wrong on the backbench and start blogging about how you’re going to go about righting your life?

  4. I agree with the suggestion that you should be really careful who you push away, because I was exactly the same…I trusted no one, never opened myself up believing that everyone would leave me eventually but then it became a self fulfilling prophecy. If you push people away, they will then eventually leave. Saying that, I think the above comment is pretty harsh.

    I don’t know if Anna has much experience of mental health, but you’re not being an “obsinate child”. You’re just scared and in pain, and I can understand that. Going to my GP the first time to say I needed help was the single hardest, most terrifying thing I’ve ever done in my life and the whole process of getting help can make you feel really vulnerable. I completely understand your fear of connecting with this new therapist who is then going to go on to leave, and having to build up a new relationship with someone else. I think deep down you do want help, but I understand the fear of it not working out.

    I think the number one most important thing with therapy is finding a therapist you connect with and trust, because if you can’t open up to them then you’re not going to get anywhere. If you can afford it maybe you should try a private therapist, then you can shop around for someone you like rather than just being stuck with whoever the public system gives you.

    Things CAN get better, I promise you that. The system has let you down, and I can imagine you probably feel like the only way to get control is to tell everyone to eff off(!), but you need to start looking deeper than the fear and start thinking about what it is you really want.

  5. I’ve read and read this blog post trying to figure out what exactly it contains that makes me seem like an ‘obstinate child’, how ‘everyone is doing me wrong’ and ‘pushing D away to see if he’d come back’.

    It doesn’t matter if D came back or not because either way, I won’t be seeing him any more. I apologised for the email I sent him when I was upset and angry about how I was discharged from hospital, and thanked him but declined his offer to come with me. I admit the email I sent him previously was somewhat abrupt and rude and but as I said in this blog post, I had apologised for it.

    When I rang to cancel the psychologist appointment, I wasn’t “pushing her away to see if she’d come back.” I don’t even know her so I wouldn’t expect she’d care whether I cancelled or not. I have been perfectly civil to her both times I’ve talked to her on the phone. I was not expecting at all to hear from her again. So when she did call, I admitted that when I cancelled, I was upset about how my discharge was handled, my GP was quite keen on me to see someone, and I was willing to come in to see her.

    I still don’t get WHAT is it I did in the blog post that is so condemning. Who exactly is this ‘everyone’ that I seem to be saying is ‘doing me wrong’? Enlighten me.

    • I feel like you may have taken my comment in the wrong way. I wrote it because I care about you, if I didn’t care I wouldn’t read your blog, and I certainly wouldn’t bother to comment. I didn’t criticise you in any way – I merely asked you to look at what was going on, because it seems that what you say you want and your actions don’t seem to be going together, and I just wanted you to think about what it really is you want, for yourself rather than for anyone else. I know getting help is scary, I know letting people in is scary. I’m just not sure what you will achieve by pushing people away. And my comment didn’t apply to this post any more than any of the other recent posts – I have just felt a bit confused reading them, and so I wondered what was going on. Sometimes we think we want something, but deep down it’s actually something else, and because of some of your actions I wondered if that was what was going on. I can assure you it was well meaning, and I replied because I do care, and because I can relate to you and don’t want you to fall into the same traps that I did. xxx

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