Rejecting all services

I received a phone call from a blocked number yesterday. I correctly assumed it was K, the psychologist, calling me back after I had cancelled the upcoming appointment with her the day previously. I contemplated not answering, but was curious enough to want to see how this conversation panned out.

She asked me to clarify whether it was I couldn’t make the appointment on that particular day, or I didn’t want to come. “Uhh, I just don’t want to come,” I told her in a somewhat stilted manner. “Can I ask why?” she enquired. Not able to come up with anything better, I said “I just don’t want to see any psychologists.” She replied that she understood that it’s hard and that I wouldn’t want to see a psychologist, and asked whether I had any other support if not from them. Ummm. Think fast, WFH! I answered that I could get a referral from my GP, should I require it. She told me she’d bring it back to the team, and suggested keeping it open for a month in case I decided I would like some support. Fine. Don’t think I’ll change my mind, but okay.

I arrived home from uni today to find another letter addressed to me from A St. Oh goody, I just love correspondence from them. Find out that another appointment has been booked for me with Dr L, the psychiatrist I saw last time. Umm, pretty sure he just told me to go back to my GP. Haven’t yet, but I fully intend on calling A St again and cancelling this appointment too.

The rational part of me knows I’m digging my own grave by doing this and rejecting all services. My ‘fuck you’ to them will only end up hurting me in the end. But the angry, hurt, upset part of me is the one making all the decisions at the moment.

Later this afternoon I received an email from D, the psychologist I was seeing before. I hadn’t heard from him since the last appointment spent in tears, telling him I wouldn’t come to the next appointment, nor did I want to see psychologists again. His email read:

Dear WFH

I spoke with the MSC team on Tuesday about coming to see you over at MSC. I understood you would be at Uni on Wednesday and I arranged to phone you on Thursday. I had intended to come over and see you to talk about my coming to your first couple of appointments at A St. We talked about my doing this last time you saw me.

I know how difficult it feels to start seeing a new person. I spoke with K yesterday and I understand that you felt that you didn’t want to go to the appointment arranged with her. I guess I’m writing to you to say, that both K and I really appreciate it is hard for you, but that you getting further help really matters. You are obviously unhappy about the contacts with services, but if there is anything we can do to make it easier for you to carry on working to help yourself with difficulties, we will gladly try and accommodate you.

I really meant it when I said that I would go to the appointments with you and I really mean it when I say that I believe that seeing a psychologist can help you. The difficulties you have can be helped and K genuinely wants to help you with that process.

Take care WFH

D

It took me a while to tee up a response to him. I may regret this later on, but I hit Send regardless:

D-

Yes, on Tuesday evening the nurse mentioned something about you intending to phone me. Then when I arrived back after prac on Wednesday, the nurse announced to me I’d been discharged without me having received prior notice.

I do not see why getting help matters, nor how seeing a psychologist would be helpful. There has been nothing in my experience that has proved otherwise. Thanks, but I do not wish to attend the appointment, nor do I intend on attending any further appointments with any psychologist or psychiatrist. Especially as K is only temporarily filling in, but regardless, I do not wish to see a psychologist. A St can remove me from their case load as I do not require any further services from them.
WFH
Perhaps my reply to what was a perfectly civil and compassionate email from him does have an angry undertone to it. Oh well. He’s said so himself that it’s okay for me to be angry at him, but not okay for him to be angry at me. Oh the luxuries of being the client. Anyway, I think I’ve emphasized my point. Curious to see how he responds to my email, if he does.

7 thoughts on “Rejecting all services

  1. I hope your letter to D gets some response, it would be wrong of them just to leave it there. It can feel liberating rejecting services but I would ask you to listen to your rational self. Take Care WFH

  2. Can I play devil’s advocate here? You’ve been wanting real help for a long time and it looks like they genuinely want to provide you with this. I’ve never read a more compassionate email than the one you received. From an outsiders perspective, it is hard to rationalize why you are rejecting the services that are being offered. Maybe it’s not everything you want, but it’s so much more than what you’ve had and no relationship is ever going to be perfect. It takes a lot of work from both sides and it really seems like both D and K are going the extra mile for you. They didn’t HAVE to contact you at all and yet they both did. I worry for you, I really do.

  3. I have genuine mixed feelings on this, hun. On one hand, they’ve twatted you about ridiculously for so long that no one could blame you for being pissed off, disillusioned and not wanting any input. On the other, as Sanity says, D did seem quite nice in his email, and does seem to want to help.

    I know from experience that if you reject them entirely (at least in the UK system), they shrug, say “oh well” and that’s that. And then you fight an uphill battle to get treatment when things go tits up again.

    So I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better to email him again, bullshit something like, “I wrote that in the heat of the moment”, and agree to br seen again. Go to two or three appointments – if they’re arseholes or it’s totally useless, then at least you’ve tried to meet them half way and can quite reasonably bow out of everything.

    I know that’s not what you want to hear, and I empathise with how pissed off you are, I really do. But we all only want what’s best for you (I hope that doesn’t sound patronising). Whatever the case, it is of course your decision and you’ll be cyber-supported whatever you do 🙂

    Take care

    Pan xxxxx

  4. Another one with mixed feelings, although due to recent events in my own life I do understand how you are feeling. It’s horrible when you feel traumatised by services and like you can’t trust them. I don’t trust myself to give advice to you about this, but just wanted to say I can empathise.

  5. agree with pandora and sanityisknocking – give yourself a couple of days to cool off and reassess-its much MUCH easier to end up with the help you actually need if you try and meet halfway-they are much more likely to negotiate with you what would be helpful.

    take care x

  6. What do you want then?

    Seriously, what is it you want?!?

    I presume it’s to stop feeling this way?
    Having therapy is not something to be ashamed of – and I’ve found it’s made me wise.
    You have – go take a look at what kinds of therapy there is out there. I’ve found reading people like pandoras blog also really helpful here. Take a look out there at what other people think and feel and what has helped them.

    Have you done some reading about self help psychology. Looked around on the net and thought about what you might want. I found this book – healing the child within really helpful. But it may not be any good for you at all. I also love that you can buy things on amazon, put it on a kindle app on your computer and no one needs to know that you bought it or are reading it.
    I know all too well that you have to be ready for therapy and you have to be ready to accept help – and I do know that it’s fing hard.
    I find reading books about therapy and similar problems helps me open up in therapy – I need to prepare and start to process things by myself before I can open up to another about it.

    If you don’t know why you keep on having appointments with Dr L – why don’t you ask him?

    Sanity and Pandora have some pretty good points. And Vics has some great advice.

    D is totally going the extra mile here – I’m prepared to bet you that he is not going to get paid to go to therapy sessions with you. He’s doing it because he cares.

    “but that you getting further help really matters.”

    “but if there is anything we can do to make it easier for you to carry on working to help yourself ”
    He’s giving you an opening here. What do you want? And there is nothing wrong with not quite knowing, but at least start thinking about it, and let them know what you are thinking.

    If there is one tiny thing that you think you can start on, even if it’s not that important. Make a start on that.
    No matter what you do, please keep trying to take a step forward.

  7. Wow…. that looks really angry. I didn’t mean it to come across like that.
    I should use less ! and ? in the future.
    Sorry, didn’t mean to sound so angry. :-p

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