I received a phone call from a blocked number yesterday. I correctly assumed it was K, the psychologist, calling me back after I had cancelled the upcoming appointment with her the day previously. I contemplated not answering, but was curious enough to want to see how this conversation panned out.
She asked me to clarify whether it was I couldn’t make the appointment on that particular day, or I didn’t want to come. “Uhh, I just don’t want to come,” I told her in a somewhat stilted manner. “Can I ask why?” she enquired. Not able to come up with anything better, I said “I just don’t want to see any psychologists.” She replied that she understood that it’s hard and that I wouldn’t want to see a psychologist, and asked whether I had any other support if not from them. Ummm. Think fast, WFH! I answered that I could get a referral from my GP, should I require it. She told me she’d bring it back to the team, and suggested keeping it open for a month in case I decided I would like some support. Fine. Don’t think I’ll change my mind, but okay.
I arrived home from uni today to find another letter addressed to me from A St. Oh goody, I just love correspondence from them. Find out that another appointment has been booked for me with Dr L, the psychiatrist I saw last time. Umm, pretty sure he just told me to go back to my GP. Haven’t yet, but I fully intend on calling A St again and cancelling this appointment too.
The rational part of me knows I’m digging my own grave by doing this and rejecting all services. My ‘fuck you’ to them will only end up hurting me in the end. But the angry, hurt, upset part of me is the one making all the decisions at the moment.
Later this afternoon I received an email from D, the psychologist I was seeing before. I hadn’t heard from him since the last appointment spent in tears, telling him I wouldn’t come to the next appointment, nor did I want to see psychologists again. His email read:
I spoke with the MSC team on Tuesday about coming to see you over at MSC. I understood you would be at Uni on Wednesday and I arranged to phone you on Thursday. I had intended to come over and see you to talk about my coming to your first couple of appointments at A St. We talked about my doing this last time you saw me.
I know how difficult it feels to start seeing a new person. I spoke with K yesterday and I understand that you felt that you didn’t want to go to the appointment arranged with her. I guess I’m writing to you to say, that both K and I really appreciate it is hard for you, but that you getting further help really matters. You are obviously unhappy about the contacts with services, but if there is anything we can do to make it easier for you to carry on working to help yourself with difficulties, we will gladly try and accommodate you.
I really meant it when I said that I would go to the appointments with you and I really mean it when I say that I believe that seeing a psychologist can help you. The difficulties you have can be helped and K genuinely wants to help you with that process.
Take care WFH
It took me a while to tee up a response to him. I may regret this later on, but I hit Send regardless:
Yes, on Tuesday evening the nurse mentioned something about you intending to phone me. Then when I arrived back after prac on Wednesday, the nurse announced to me I’d been discharged without me having received prior notice.I do not see why getting help matters, nor how seeing a psychologist would be helpful. There has been nothing in my experience that has proved otherwise. Thanks, but I do not wish to attend the appointment, nor do I intend on attending any further appointments with any psychologist or psychiatrist. Especially as K is only temporarily filling in, but regardless, I do not wish to see a psychologist. A St can remove me from their case load as I do not require any further services from them.WFH