You’re discharged. Surprise!

After that psychiatrist appointment at A St and the appointment with D the day after that, I was adamant I would not attend any appointments with D again, nor would I commence therapy at A St once an appointment had been made for me. When my mother brought in a letter from A St informing me I have a psychologist appointment on 12 April, accompanied by an eight page pre-therapy questionnaire, a DASS and a K-10, I was close to just ripping the pages up, calling to cancel the appointment and crossing my fingers to never hear from them again. Slowly though, after it became apparent the doctors were quite keen on me having follow up after discharge and talking to a couple of nice nurses, I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d attend and see how it goes. That was before yesterday. After which it occurred, forget it.

I had obtained permission to attend my placement for a few hours and so I was away from morning until about 2:30pm. I arrived back at the hospital and was told by the nurse to clear out my room as “You’re being discharged right as we speak.” Umm. What? No forewarning whatsoever, except for Monday when I asked the doctor when I’d likely go home, to which she replied it’d probably be sometime this week. Yes, I wanted to go home. Providing it had been discussed with me and I’d been given prior notice so I could mentally prepare myself for what’s to come. Not when I’d been booted out with n0 notice whatsoever because someone sicker than me clearly needed the bed more.

“You’ve been discharged, but the doctor wants to talk to you before you go,” I was told by the nurse after I had packed my things. Lol. She does, does she? But I’ve been discharged so am not your problem any more! “Do you want to go home?” the doctor asked once we had sat down in an interview room. I almost laughed, had I not been so upset and angry. Clearly, it doesn’t matter, as I’ve already been discharged. And so, being ever the obliging patient, I tried my best to make their job easier. “Will you harm yourself once you get home?” “No.” Can’t wait to get home so I can cut. “Will you call a helpline or crisis number if you need to?” “I guess so.” Not if my life depended on it.

I had come in with some of my own medication, Pristiq and Seroquel. As expected, it was taken off me on my admission, and I was told I’d get it back when I left. Did I get it back? No. Instead the nurses told me they couldn’t find it. They attempted to search for it. Leaving me to wait there for an hour while they did. It took them that long to come to me with the conclusion that they could not locate it, and it had probably been discarded of. Great, so you’ve just wasted an hour of my time for nothing and thrown away medication I had paid for, that is not exactly cheap either.

Still, that hour of waiting wasn’t completely unproductive. I took that time to give a call to A St to inform them that I would not be making that psychologist appointment on the 12th. Apparently the psychologist will call me back today to reschedule an appointment. Lol, don’t bother. I either a) will not pick up the phone, or b) will make it quite clear I have no intention of seeing her, nor any other clinician.

I don’t think there’s ever been any mental health professional that has not ended up leaving me feel let down and/or hurt in the end. So as far as I’m concerned, I’ve had enough. The whole lot of them can get stuffed. I’ll go my own way.

3 thoughts on “You’re discharged. Surprise!

  1. No, mental health providers do not provide the encouragement, empathy and understanding that we need. If you don’t have close family to provide that, you need to learn to give it to yourself. Even if it’s buying a big teddy bear you hug that tells you how special you are and how you deserve love and happiness just as much as any other human being. Cutting is related to emotional abandonment. Your emotional needs have not been met throughout your life. I am sure your parents did not provide emotional love and comfort. You can learn to provide this for yourself. Read, will I ever be good enough. If your don’t want to by the book, just look it up on Amazon and read the comments section.

  2. Whoa…… I’m sorry I have to disagree with you here.
    I know I’m probably going to come across as very rude.
    But I’ve been there, like a lot of your readers.
    And like many of us with MH problems, the people who should be helping and supporting you to get better probably aren’t helping, and I hate to say it, may also be part of the problem.

    You’re not feeling well.

    And you know this.
    Your life is not what you want it to be.
    Fact.

    You’re doctors (nurses, psychologists etc) know this too.
    Admittedly they probably don’t know how or what or why. But they ARE trying. As shitty as this effort of theirs is. And also realise that this is their job, admittedly this is also your life. But they have studied and they know that the majority of people with symptom x have y and z and should be treated with a, b and c. This is like pharmacy; statistics, averages and standard deviations.
    Think about it, this is their job. They studied for a number of years, they know how ‘most’ people think and feel and they are bound, by money, time etc
    And in this world you are going to have to take help where you can get it.

    I joke that physiotherapists and psychologists are the true sadists in this world. They are causing you pain, and lots of it. But it will help you and will get you better in the long run.

    At the end of this rant, you can yell at me and disregard all I’ve said, but please pay attention to the following:

    You CAN get better.

    REALLY!

    It’s easy for me to see this, cause I’m on the outside and my brain isn’t trying to lie to me.
    But I can see a wonderful young woman, who is bright and interesting and pretty and when she gets well she will move in leaps and bounds and will show the world who she really is and how wonderful she really is.

    And think about it; you have attended mental health forums and made a move to effect change in our country. You are attending uni and doing okay from the sounds of it; all while you are ill. And mental illness is not just like a broken leg or diabetes. It affects your energy, ability to think, creativity etc.
    If you can do all this while ill, I’m so proud of you. I know how hard it is. It is massive to be able to do all of that and keep yourself in one piece while you do it.

    And I know how much it sucks that kids you know don’t have these problems, and seem to float through life. But they have never been ill, they wouldn’t even know what it’s like!
    But give yourself a break! SERIOUSLY!!!

    You’re not well.
    Would you expect someone with rheumatoid arthritis or MS to get up and clean the house every day? No. So don’t expect that you can do everything as well.
    And this is NOT your fault.
    But you are the only person that can get you well.

    I encourage and recommend you to take the opportunities of therapy when you can. And I know how crappy, stupid and condescending parts of it can be. I’ve been there, and sometimes it’s hard to sit there and listen to it, but I’ve found if I try to suspend my critical and intelligent brain and just listen, sometimes I’ll get a little kernel that I can relate to and helps me. Yeah it takes 5 hours of crap that I have to wade through to get there, but for that kernel that helps me, it’s worth all the crap. Those kernels add up, and I understand myself better and practising their silly exercises, as stupid as they sound have helped so very much!
    And in the worst case, you can do it, and if it doesn’t help, then maybe people will stop suggesting the same thing to you and you may have a better idea of what you need.
    And remember, the focus here is to get well. Screw all the other crap.
    You are important and worth being well.
    Take help when and where you can get it.

    Do you keep a diary? People with bipolar do, keeping track of when and what they eat, sleep, mood hour by hour, what happened what were you thinking.
    3 meals a day.
    8 hours sleep.
    Exercise.
    Meditation and deep breathing (I hated it at first, now I still hate it, but I love the effect it has on me and my anxiety).
    I cannot recommend these enough. I have a sheet stuck in my lounge room and I tick each off each day. Otherwise I won’t do it, and I need to, so I can stay well.
    This is also a key component of almost ALL therapies – EMDR, CBT, DBT and I do it to see if my meds need tweaking.
    This is also a helpful way to help prepare and decompress after therapy. I have to write down what I’m thinking and what I want to say. And I have even written some things down for my therapist to read cause I couldn’t say them out loud. Nothing wrong with therapy via a piece of paper- I’ve done it a few times! What ever you need to help you. If you want to paint, dance, who cares? Most therapists would love your creativity.

    Have you thought about taking a year off? I did when I was unwell, I tell people I took a late gap year, and no employer or lecturer held it against me, in fact it looks like I knew I needed a break and I’ve had a year off to be silly and young, who cares if you spend it in therapy? No one else needs to know. Develop a good lie, practice it, pad it out and practice changing the topic. It is no one else’s business, unless you choose to tell them what you have done since you have left school. Who knows if you spent a year doing bush regeneration and learning about native plant pharmacology?

    Have you thought about moving out of home? I know your parents will hate it, but this is about you, and getting you well. They need to learn to let go too. You are a young woman and it is perfectly reasonable for you to move out of home. There are many options for help with rent etc. Go chat to a headspace centre or whatever else is near.
    There is disability support or youth allowance and you can get a medical certificate so that you can qualify straight away.
    When you have used up your 12? (18? 10?) medicare subsidised psychologist sessions you can still go to sessions, they are just more expensive. Take a year off uni and work part time. If you see a psychiatrist, you will get a 60% medicare rebate with goes up to 80% after spending a certain amount of money.
    DBT groups and other group therapy are also a lot cheaper. It’s really hard to make the move to ‘group’ therapy and you are probably very embarrassed but they can be gold. Watching other people go through similar problems and also make gains can be helpful, and if you think about it, they at least know a bit of what you are going through, unlike most doctors.

    I know this was long, but please, I’m just another ‘crazy’ who reads your blog and cares for you – as much as I can through the internet, and I’m at the other end of my very long tunnel, and I know that the light is as bright and beautiful at the end of yours!

  3. hey Cass,

    I’ve felt very much like this in the past. Like i wanted them to just SHOVE IT where the sun cant shine, cos the ‘professionals’-the people that should-just do not get it. It hurt me so much over and over-i couldnt work out why ‘help’ was making it worse.

    Now i think its the headspace i was in. I couldnt accept help-i wanted people to hear me, know it was so so hard to just crawl out of bed in the morning, but i couldnt let them in, not yet. I guess I had to get to the point where i could let myself trust them. I know its so bad when you get messed around, discharged and shunted between services-its shit basically. But its also about realising that only you can make it right again. you have to do all the graft, and engage in all the ridiculous therapy psycobabble and put up with it all to get the little teeny shreds of things that matter-the little moments of realisation when something clunks into place in your head.

    stop giving yourself a hard time about uni and look forwards…if you want to do pharmacy, change courses again, if you want to do OT keep going; give yourself a year if you need time out. no shame in that. but only you know what you really need to do.

    please take note of the comment above, its so spot on, as much as it might sting a wee bit- its so so right and so much more eloquent than i could ever be!

    vic xxx

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