I attended the appointment yesterday with the psychiatrist and the clinical psychologist who is meant to be taking me on. Afterwards I spent some time sitting on the garden ledge with my sunglasses donned, crying.
Did I like the psychiatrist? Well it doesn’t really matter seeing as my medications remain unchanged and he’s told me to simply continue seeing my GP. Alrighty then, back to Dr L I go. Did I like the psychologist? I’m not entirely sure and that’s part of what upset me. The advantages of the public system are of course that it’s free, but it means you don’t get a choice as to who treats you. I’m afraid of being stuck with someone I dislike and whom I don’t feel I can work with.
I also felt as though I was being pushed into doing DBT and that is the only option I have if I want to receive treatment through A St. As you may recall I don’t have the fondest impressions of DBT. I also dislike that so many mental health professionals seem to think DBT will be the magic answer that cures all. Because I was intimidated though, I wasn’t able to voice the issues I have with it. So I reluctantly shrugged and okayed doing DBT even though I despise feeling like I’ve been pushed into doing something I really do not want to do.
Unsurprisingly, as is always the case with people I don’t know, I found it difficult to talk. They were lucky if they got more than a “Don’t know”, “I guess” or “Okay…” out of me. I don’t want to do this any more. I’m completely fed up with continually having to start all over again with someone new. It’s hard to start to open up and trust a person. By the time I start to do so, I’ll find that therapy with them ceases. Yet again. Plus, the clinical psychologist I am meant to be starting with is going away for a few weeks, so it has been suggested I see his replacement before starting with him. Considering how hard it is for me to open up, I see little point in doing so.
I had an appointment with D this afternoon. The majority of the session was spent in tears, noticing that he wears brown shoes with red socks and that the carpet in the room is chequered, alternating between a lighter and darker shade of blue. After lots of prompting on his part and shrugging on mine, he eventually established I was upset by the appointment yesterday. I told him it’s “too hard” and “I don’t want to do [therapy] any more.” Upon him saying he would see me again next Wednesday, I replied that I have fieldwork. Every Wednesday. “What about Monday?” he asked. “I have uni,” I told him. “What about a later time on Monday?” I again replied that I have uni. He asked until when? “June,” I replied. “Did you have fieldwork today?” I confirmed I indeed did. “Did you have to leave early to come here?” A little sheepishly I admitted I did not. He said he’d see me next Wednesday. I’ve never not turned up to an appointment because a) I don’t have the guts, b) it is rather rude and c) other people could have used that appointment slot. If I don’t turn up next week though, well, he did have prior warning…
D also suggested I may be upset due to the change of having to cease seeing him. I cannot emphasize enough how much I resented that statement coming from him. Even more so that a few more tears escaped when he said it. I am absolutely repulsed at needing and relying on someone, especially when the feeling is not reciprocal. I refuse to need anyone emotionally more than they need me. It puts me in a vulnerable position and gives the other person immense power. Can’t let that happen.