Put off therapy and mental health professionals

“Maybe being alone and not caring is better than to risk getting hurt,” was the theory I posed to D, the hospital psychologist. He calls this avoidance. I call it protecting myself. “But you want to have relationships,” he pointed out, referring to the list I had written while in hospital naming what the ideal would be if I didn’t have my problems. I shrugged at him. Maybe I’ve changed my mind.

I didn’t want to see D today. Not when I’d taken a break for about a month and it almost felt like starting all over again with someone new. Not after the whole fiasco with Dr T which has put me off mental health professionals altogether. I was fighting the urge to burst into tears or get up and walk out the door during the whole session. Fortunately I did neither. Not least because then I may have to explain why, and I wanted to avoid getting into the whole issue with Dr T. Not that staying there was all that much better. I didn’t quite have the courage to tell him I don’t want to do therapy any more. And so I glanced around the room in silence, hoping he’d get the hint. It’s worked before. It’s been at about this point that I had ceased with my previous two psychologists, when we’d run out of things to talk about.

I can’t help judging my current situation based on previous experiences. And my previous experiences have hammered into my head that therapy won’t work, we’re going to hit a brick wall, and it’s going to end by us parting ways not on a good note. I’m even less inclined to keep on and accept help after Dr T dropped me like that. What’s to say others won’t simply do the same? Rejection hurts. Knowing treatment has failed yet again hurts.

Despite this, I’ve still agreed to an appointment next week to see D. Sigh.

3 thoughts on “Put off therapy and mental health professionals

  1. I’m glad you, although you don’t want to, are going to see D next week. I know it’s hard but if you can get over this bump you might just be able to see that not all therapists are horrible people. You have been unlucky and you do give up easily too and I don’t mean that in a mean way, just saying. I hope you can eventually find someone you can trust. I am so lucky because I open up easily to anyone, sometimes against better judgement. It sounds like you put yourself in a box and you lock away the key so no one will know how you really feel. I believe in you and I think you can form a healthy relationship with a therapist if you let them in. Be kind to yourself!

  2. There will be times, even if you trust someone and want to work through issues, that you aren’t going to want to go session. You’re still young. Seriously, I’ve wasted so much of my life avoiding. Worst thing that’s going to happen is that you’ll get another jerk of a psychologist/psychiatrist and you have experience to better deal with them. It can only get better right?

  3. Trust is one of the most essential aspects of a therapeutic relationship, so I understand why you don’t want to trust another mental health pro after the stupid, insensitive betrayal of Dr. T. Personally, I’ve encountered a few therapists who were wonderful on trust issues, even when those issues involved their colleagues. Perhaps D is that kind of therapist? Perhaps opening up about Dr. T can lead to a new, more effective relationship between you & D–and more effective therapy. I don’t know, and I have my own trust issues I’m unwilling to get past, so how much can I say? Just, I feel for you, and I hope that better things are to come.

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