Where was I when I wrote my last post? Ahh yes, sick of hospital and wanting to go home. This time a week ago I fully expected to be discharged within that week. Yet I’m typing this whilst sitting on a hospital bed behind my curtained cubicle.
I fear home may be harder than I initially thought. On my overnight leave last weekend, I spent much of the time in tears, with thoughts of ‘It’s too hard’ and ‘I can’t do this.’ My thoughts turned to overdosing, but the thought of how much of a fail it would be if I did that the one night I was at home stopped me. So where does that leave me I wonder? Sick of being in hospital, yet can’t cope if I’m at home.
On Monday I met with the consultant. Being only the second time meeting with him, he’s not yet someone I’m comfortable with. I was dismayed to find the registrar, whom I was at least somewhat comfortable with, was only a replacement and had left. Instead, I found myself with the regular registrar now on my treating team, someone who I hadn’t met before. “I’ll see you next week WFH,” the consultant told me at the close of the ward round. “Err…next week??” I replied uncertainly. He then told me they want to make sure I see a psychologist once I’m discharged from hospital and that they’d discuss my discharge at the big ward round on Wednesday. I have my reservations about seeing a psychologist again after beginning and ending with three already, but it seems that’s the only solution people have for me. The result of the ward round on Wednesday? I asked my nurse and it is apparently written in my notes, “Estimated discharge date: 1 week?” So I don’t have a certain day I’m going home as of yet.
I recall in May at my last admission to the private psych clinic, my psychiatrist had commented, “Public hospitals don’t tend to keep you for very long.” Based on my first admission to a public hospital which was only for three days, I thought she was right. Yet on Sunday I will have been here for three weeks, which is plenty long enough. In this twenty person ward, there are five others who have been here longer than me. And my nurse was telling me last Sunday that the longest stay she’s encountered while here was four months. Goodness, how do they tolerate that?!