20

Yesterday the nurse spotted where I had scratched myself on the arms.

Yesterday I had my share of the room and all my belongings thoroughly searched by two nurses.

Yesterday they took away everything they considered sharp, as well as all phone and laptop chargers.

Yesterday they found my blade as well as a drawstring I had fashioned into a noose.

Yesterday I was put on specials, which means a nurse is within a few metres away from me every minute of the day.

Yesterday they just kept giving me PRN medication; 3 doses of lorazepam and a dose of Seroquel.

Yesterday I also turned 20. Happy birthday to me, huh?

7 thoughts on “20

  1. I’m amazed they had let you have anything remotely sharp or cords etc in the first place. You’re on a public ward right? All the times I’ve been on public you’re not allowed anything – your belongings are kept locked in the office and you have to ask for anything (a change of clothes, toothbrush, books etc). I hope that this helps you stay safer though and get well sooner. I think… your birthday is the start of a whole new year. And you can do whatever you want with that year. Maybe it’s a good opportunity to set some goals about where you want to be?

  2. (Happy) Birthday! I wish better things for you in years to come. When my 40th birthday came in March, after a year of hospitalizations, divorce, relapse, job loss, my friends wanted to throw me a party to “celebrate” … I didn’t think there was anything to celebrate. I had lost nearly everything and my traditional “birthday review of my life” was full of destructive patterns I had not been able to shake since adolescence. Still, they threw a small party, and that particular day turned out to be a fairly good day. And I’ve had a few more fairly good days since then.

    So the best I can offer from my experience is just focus on today: Can I get out of bed today? Can I get through today without cutting? Can I talk to somebody about my problems today? I smiled once today. I laughed. I met and talked to someone new today and didn’t look back on the experience analyzing everything I might have done wrong and feeling like an asshole. (That’s all me, by the way. Things I have to say to myself every day.)

    I’m sorry you’re still in hospital. But I’m glad you’re safe. I wish I could promise tomorrow will be better or different. All I can say is that my world is a better place with you in it.

  3. Happy birthday – I know it must be hard, but I hope you do manage to find hope (like your name). I know you probably don’t feel too warm towards your nurses right now (my daughter used to get sick of being on constant one-to-one which sounds like your specials) but thank goodness they’re keeping you safe as best they can.

  4. I hate it when they change the personnel dealing with my case because it makes me feel insecure and uncertain, plus you have to go over the same shit again and again. Sorry you are still in hospital, I know how much it sucks, but hopefully if you are feeling well enough and stable enough you will be home soon. *hugs*

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