I’m not really trying and I know it. Yet I just can’t seem to help myself. The mental health resource book they want us to read? I already own it from my psych ward admission last December. CBT group where they went through the unhelpful thinking styles? Already did that way back with my first psychologist. Come find my nurse if I want to harm myself? There’s just something stopping me from being able to do so. My nurse this afternoon described it as me ‘putting up a wall’ when she tries to talk to me. It doesn’t help either that she is merely a year older than me. Being only nineteen, it’s not something I’m accustomed to. It just doesn’t seem right there’s such a big power difference when we’re practically the same age and I can’t help feeling some resentment.
I tried to do the right thing by not bringing my blade in, but it’s just been so hard not having the means to self harm when I’ve had the urge. Stole a knife from the OT kitchen during the cooking group. I didn’t think they’d notice, but the OT came questioning the for of us who attended almost as soon as we returned to the ward. Was asked twice by the OT, once by the OTA and once more by the nurse if I knew anything about it. Looked them in the eye, lied straight to their face and said no. Shouldn’t have even bothered to take it, was too blunt to do much anyway. Felt guilty, confessed and turned it in to the nurse the next day.
Today however, I went off the ward without telling anyone. I was only gone for about an hour, but they noticed. So where did I disappear to? The shops to buy blades… And have finally relieved the urge to self harm that’s been there for days….despite my assurances of “Yes, yes, yes,” when asked, “Are you safe?”
Met the consultant yesterday, prior to that I had only met the registrar. Asked when I’d be discharged, was told I’d see the clinical psychologist on Monday and be ‘assessed,’ and not given an answer to my question.