More than my fair share

According to my Medicare records, I’ve attended ten psychologist sessions with R so far this year. Luckily for me, the cuts to the number of subsidised psychologist services per annum have not been put into effect. Yet. Until November this year that is. It’s just interesting for me to note that at this point, under the new restrictions, that’ll be it for the year.

There is still a part of me that is rather disgruntled about all this. But a new feeling has emerged as of late, a feeling of ambivalence. And also guilt.

I don’t like to admit this when asked, but I’ve found little to no benefit in all the therapy I’ve attended. I don’t know why this is. Is it me? Is it the psychologist? Is it the type of therapy? The length of it? Or just therapy in general? Whatever the reason, it just hasn’t helped.

And so not only do I feel dissatisfied, but also guilty. Very guilty. Not everyone has the opportunity to receive treatment for their mental ill health. In fact, according to this article, 70% of young people don’t seek help for mental health or substance abuse issues. So what makes me so deserving to be part of that 30% who do get some sort of help? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m a leech who’s already sucked $586 from Medicare this financial year purely on psychiatrist and psychologist fees. It’s not even been a month. I’ve already wasted so much money, I don’t think I deserve any more when no benefits have been glimpsed. Someone else should get the chance to get better. Someone who can recover with ten psychologist sessions. Someone who will make the most of it. I think I’ve had more than my fair share already.