First pdoc appt since discharge

I hate that pdoc knows just how to reduce me to tears. What I hate even more is that no matter how hard I try to hold it together, the dam wall still bursts. Even when she was awful and insensitive the first time I met her, I managed to hold the tears back, at least until I was out of her sight. But now, now that she’s known me for a year, somehow she manages to choose the words that kick where there are cracks in the foundation.

The relationship with my parents is one of few sore points. And the things she said today made me feel as though the finger is pointed at me. It feels as though it’s all of them siding against weak, defenceless little old me and there’s no one backing me. It hurts.

When I think back to my admission to The H Clinic and what led up to it, an appointment with Dr T is part of what set off the thoughts and emotions, which then took on a life of its own. Already today is one of the worst two days since discharge, the other being this day. I wish my mind came with an erase button. Instead I can’t help ruminating over what was said and the thoughts and feelings that came with it, and probably will for days to come.

Some days Dr T advises her secretary to make a follow up appointment for me, other days she won’t. From what I recall of the past few months, she hadn’t been asking her secretary to make a follow up appointment in so-and-so many weeks and so I’d been making appointments at my discretion. I was all prepared to get the hell out of there with the plan of making another appointment in oh, I don’t know, four months time? But then she told her secretary she’d see me in about four week’s time. Bugger. Then again, I could just cancel later on and do what I have to do to protect myself from slipping.

Oh, and apparently if you’re a psychiatrist, it’s okay to a) answer your mobile in the middle of an appointment with a patient, in which she’s paying for your services b) have a five minute conversation with ‘Kevin’ while your patient sits there awkwardly, forced to listen to your conversation c) not even apologise for it after you’ve hung up the phone. From what I could gather, ‘Kevin’ was another professional. Perhaps even the psychiatrist who assessed me at the ED two out of three times I’ve been there, who was also named Kevin?

15 thoughts on “First pdoc appt since discharge

  1. Answering a call right in frint of u? I know there are emergencies..but u should then be asked to leave the room. And they should ALWAYS apologize & extend ur time. That’s just poor manners. It’s nothing to do with you hon.

  2. I totally understand your desire to prevent yourself from slipping by canceling your appointments with Dr. T. Have you ever told her how you feel?

    Also, answering a call during the middle of a session? Not great manners. Shrinkiepoo used to do that, but only if the call was from one of his children. But Dr. T should not have used your time to help another patient, nor should she have had this conversation in front of you. Yeah, I’m not impressed.

    Wishing you well,

  3. I’ve got to say that I don’r think it right that your quack has a conversation in front of you on the phone. But, you have to tell her if it happens again.

    I know you pay to see her, but at least you can see her. Lots of people need to see a psychiatrist, but can’t afford to. Beyond that the question of how often you can see a quack is also a problem. It is common not to see one any more than once in three months here in the UK. I don’t want to make you feel bad or guilty, but I feel you aren’t aware how you sound so resentful for accessing treatment that others can’t afford. Surely if you are paying through the nose for this help, it is up to you to dictate who you see and how they treat you?

    • I appreciate that for some it can be difficult to access the services of psychiatrists and mental health professionals that they need. But I don’t feel as though I’m being unreasonable by not being keen on having an appointment with her when as a result of seeing her I feel a lot lower, have spent the past couple of days in tears and self harmed. Yes I could ask to be referred to someone else or tell her that I don’t like what she’s doing, but taking action like that is something that is very, very difficult for me to do.

  4. Clarissa, it can be frustrating to not have access to treatment, but I don’t think it’s anything to be grateful for if the “professional” is essentially making things worse. It wouldn’t be easy for me to be assertive (“Are you kidding me? Get off your bleeping phone or prorate my session!” Not likely.) with a person who knows my weaknesses and how to exploit them.

    Willfindhope, I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a tacky person. You definitely do have the right to speak up when she is behaving inappropriately (but I understand how hard it is. I struggle with assertiveness), and you have the right to stop seeing her whether she says to schedule again in 4 weeks or not.

  5. how fucking rude!? what a completely unproffessional douchebag. I hate that feeling, that the pdocs are more on the side of anyone but you. That they agree you are the problem. Cos i mean, wer the sick ones right? so its perfectly plausable that we should be where the issues lie. Do they ever consider just how we got so messed up? lol . Fuck her, its over with now hun. You are worth more than her shit. well done for getting through it. xx

  6. I think the phone thing is so so rude. I know that when I was still seeing Dr D, her phone sometimes vibrated but she never took the call or looked at it. Once, years ago, my current pdoc, Dr M had a phone call he had to take but he told me right at the beginning of my session that if the call came he would have to take it and I would have to go back into the waiting room. I think that is the only time I would forgive a phone call in session. I am sorry though that you are having such a rough time with Dr T, I have met some mean horrible pdocs in hospital but luckily not out of hospital. I hope you feel better soon!

  7. I didn’t detect any resentment. In any case, yes under the NHS we are lucky to see a psychiatrist at all, but that doesn’t make it right. Some service users need to see a psychiatrist every week, fortnight, whatever, and just because someone is paying for treatment doesn’t give that person any power, it’s still incredibly difficult to be assertive to mh professionals, as pointed out above.
    Taking a phone call during an appointment, paid for or not, is inexcusably rude.
    Pdoc sounds like a piece of work too.
    I wish my mind came with an erase button too – I like the way you put it. Take care of yourself hon.

  8. My psychologist does that. It makes me so mad. I always feel bad for the other person on the phone. One lady called up crying during one of my appointments. I heard pretty much every word. Gah.

    It is shit that it is so hard to find a new psychiatrist too. And how you would have to start again. But would it be worth finding out about seeing a different one? I dunno. I am still mad on your behalf about the phone call..

    Take care, lovely!

  9. grandpa psyc used to answer his phone every 5 bloody minutes or so, drove me mad, but at least gave me an opportunity to think of how to not drop myself in it! I know it shard to speak up about what you need-but i do think clarissa has a point. not that i think your ungrateful for your help-cos i know that you have struggled to get it-but there is also not a lot of point in oaying a fortune to see someone that makes you feel mad. you do need someone you feel comfortable with. although, i guess the nature of psychiatry is that it is always going to be uuncomfortable and upsetting-its just the extent to which that occurs is very much dependent on how you get along with a particular doc. i do think you should consider trying to talk about how difficult you find sessions with her though-but would you feel like that with anyone? sometimes, stepping back is the best thing to do.

    I write letters when i feel awkward and cant say stuff-would you consider doing that maybe?

    take care

    vic xx

  10. Dang, you have some valid points there. How very insensitive of your Psy. tobe distruptive on. your time and on your money. Wo- I wil be following your blog, and appreciate your transparency. Safe hugs to you

  11. Answering her phone…what the HELL? My mom is a psych and I was in the middle of an emergency last year (I’d been stabbed, seriously…haha) and I called her cell AND her office number like 5 times and she didn’t answer because she was with a client. There’s no way “Kevin” was more important than a daughter’s stabbing. 😛 That’s totally unprofessional and inappropriate.

    It sounds like your doc is not the most sensitive, but sometimes being pushed to tears can be a good thing.

    Hang in there!

  12. that is ludicrous. I hope I don’t freak you out, but I think I know which psyc u talking about. I don’t know who you are though so don’t worry, your identity is still safe. But yea, i’m so grateful that my psyc is pretty okay, took me a couple of tries to find the right one, but yeah, if you need a new psyc i’ll let you know of the good ones!

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