The last of my pills

My mother claims that she came into my room to ‘tidy up my desk’ while I was out. Right. Because the first thing one does in tidying a desk is to pull open and rifle through the drawers. That’s how she came to find the box of escitalopram and sertraline I still had in my possession. And my desk is still as messy neat as it was before I left for the day. 

I was confronted by my mother as soon as I arrived home, when she came into my room, pulled open my drawer and enquired about the two boxes of medication I had. I tried to claim they were ‘left over’ from when I still took the aforementioned medications. Except she pointed out the date written on the dispensing label of my box of sertraline. 24 June 2011. Caught out. She confiscated the two boxes and asked for the script. I gave her the one for escitalopram, leaving the one for sertraline. She came back two minutes later realising, and asked for the sertraline script too. Caught out again.  

I feel as though nobody understands how much more desperate and determined to OD that makes me. I’m left with no more antidepressants and no more scripts in my possession. Similar to some people needing their blade there as a safety blanket in case they have the urge to cut, I need those pills in case I have an urge to self harm by ODing. Yeah, I could OD on something like paracetamol, but then I’d have to go to hospital afterwards for treatment to prevent liver damage. With the SSRIs, I know I can OD without needing hospital treatment. I’ve done it a fair amount of times and recovered at home. I don’t want to self harm and end up in the Emergency Department, I want to self harm without; ending up on a hospital bed, my parents finding out, having a cannula stuck up my arm, adding another OD to my hospital records, being labelled as a ‘psych patient’ and undergoing an assessment by ED psychiatrists.

I’m lucky that my mother didn’t find the good stuff. The stuff that has a much more likely chance of killing me. The stuff I had the sense to hide a little better. The stuff that required some effort to obtain. The stuff I wouldn’t take unless I was really sure I wanted to go. But that’s my ‘suicide stuff.’ I’m still angry, embarrassed and upset that I had my ‘self harm stuff’ taken away from me.

9 thoughts on “The last of my pills

  1. Hey love. Worried about you. Not sure what to say really. Except that SSRIs can kill. In high doses they can cause cardiac arrhythmias and if it’s a bad one, you’ll be dead before you hit the floor – so your ‘self harm’ attempt could very well be labeled a ‘suicide attempt’.

    I’m worried about what else you have and not sure what I can do to help you relinquish that. There are a lot of people who care about you and we’re here if you need. xx

  2. This scares me a lot hun. I wish I could say something but this scares me for you and me. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I CARE. I REALLY DO. I know I don’t know you in person but I’ve been following your life on your blog for a long time and I feel as if I do know you.

    Please keep that in mind. I love you. BE SAFE. PLEASE


  3. I don’t envy you your parents 😦 They mean well and they want to keep you safe (it seems) but people don’t understand the damage you can do by removing a safety net. Sorry hospital hasn’t helped much (and sorry I haven’t commented for ages, I have been reading and have felt for you). Hope things improve and that you can work something out with your mum.

  4. 😦 I wish your mum could understand the security blanket thing. I know where your coming from, and I expect hundreds of thousands of others who would agree. Is there something you could leave out for her to ‘find’ on her ‘cleaning’ trips? Maybe print off one of the MANY parental advice things on sh that specify that’s the worst thing to do. Her intentions are there tho. I spose for ur mother the logical thing to do is take away anything that can harm ur child. She loves u is all. X

  5. I do the same thing. You never want too much stuff in one place because if they find it they find it all. I also feel more comfortable when I have something just in case I need it, whether it be for self harm or the real deal. I agree with most the commenter’s taking away a safety net is dangerous. But you also need to realize those pills (safety net) could be fatal even if that’s not your intent. Hoping for the best.

  6. I don’t really know what to say. I wish to send you many virtual hugs – *hugs!* – and I hope that you will stay safe. Although it is hard sometimes. xo

  7. Hi, I came across your blog through your post about why self harm is considered not okay, myself going through a reflection about the subject.
    I’m dealing with depression right now too, though nowhere close to as serious as yours, with the help of therapy, meds, and buddhism. But reading your blog really touched me and I really wanted to tell you this: however useless you may feel you are, you are deeply wrong. You really have a talent in writing, in saying things the way they should be said, you could be an amazing journalist for exemple. You are clearly a very very inteligent girl, and unfortunatly inteligence often comes with great sensibility and hence a (too) clear view about some aspects of life.
    You really have a mission in this life, something to accomplish and that only you can accomplish. You are needed. And you know all this, your blog is called will find hope :-).
    As bad as I feel myself right now, I deeply believe you’re going to be ok (and so will I!).
    Those who have suffered the most can become the happiest.
    Please try to take care.

    Nam Myoho Rengue Kyo

  8. i know it’s really wrong. i’m in a (relatively) better place at the mo. but when you said about the stuff for when you really need to… i gotta know! (end of the day, i’ve worked out that much as i’d like the peaceful sleepy death, pills aren’t going to do it for me. it’s going to be hanging or jumping. but still, gotta know! please, please share …?)

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