Not allowed pills

Tough meeting with Dr T today at The H Clinic. I was asked whether I would do the right thing by handing over my medications for my mother to dole out each morning when I am discharged. I sat silently as a response. Something must have shown in my facial expression, as she said, “You don’t seem very happy with that.” I shrugged. “BtF, you have to tell me, I can’t guess, I’m not a mind reader,” she said. “Well…I guess I feel like I should be able to look after my own medications,” I mutterred. Some point soon after I started crying, and she speculated I was upset because she doesn’t trust me. “No, because I feel like I need to know I have a way out if things get too much,” I told her. “Maybe that’s why you’re not getting anything out of groups then,” she said. “Instead of using those skills, you think, Oh that’s okay, I’ll just take a heap of pills.” Umm no, maybe because this CBT Thought Diary crap I have done before, brainstorming ‘What lifts my mood?’ does not aid in lifting my mood and being told to use techniques to ‘distract myself’ does not make my sorrow and pain disappear.

Dr T also asked me whether I have pills stored in my room. I hesitated for a few seconds before going with the truth. “Yes,” I admitted. So as well as my mother keeping and doling out my medication daily, she also wants my mother and I to go through my room together to find any medication I have stocked and have it disposed of. No way around it either, as she’s already rang my mother to inform her of these intentions.

I was told I have to ‘cooperate to keep me alive’ otherwise ‘she’s doing all the work’ if I’m not cooperating and asked ‘why are we doing all this [treatment] otherwise?’ Why indeed. Beats me. Did I say I even want treatment? Don’t know why people are so intent on me staying alive…

It was agreed during the meeting that I’d be discharged this coming Saturday. Because of what was said though, she suggested, “Maybe it is too soon to go home then.” I shook my head no. And so after three weeks spent here in H Clinic, I will be discharged in a couple of days.

The pills I have stocked acts as a safety net for me to fall back on. Even though I haven’t and probably won’t take an overdose of what I know would have the best chance of killing me, it’s reassuring to know I have that there. Without it, I feel all the more anxious and desperate. Like I have to seize any chance I have to kill myself before all options are taken away from me.

7 thoughts on “Not allowed pills

  1. I feel the same way. There has to be a way out, I’m not likely to use it but if it’s not there i start to freak out. There has to be an available option.

  2. I don’t know how it works where you are but surely because you are an adult they can’t disclose things to your parents. Here the only way they could do that is if you had been placed under section. And then all they could say were the reasons why a section was being applied for and give your nearest relative chance to object.

    I don’t think it’s right how they are making demands of you and your parents. OK. It may be for the best but perhaps there are other ways round it. Like a weeks prescription at a time and you have to hand in your meds. Not have your mum go through your room searching for it.

    Am I being a bit off about this? xxx

  3. I have been in this situation several times. My mum has had to have all my medication and give it out to me daily. Most recently was just a couple of months ago, and I am 24. I absolutely hate it, and I always think it seems pretty pointless, as if you are determined to kill yourself then someone else having your prescribed medication isn’t going to stop you, but I think they have to be seen to be doing something. I have tried to protest on the grounds that I am an adult and therefore it is unfair they take advantage of me living with my parents by doing that, but apparently if they consider you to be at risk then they can break confidentiality. Which is shit, but I suppose they are just doing what they think is right. And perhaps it is. I guess we aren’t the best people to judge, since like you – the thought of someone taking away the option of suicide makes me feel more suicidal, which I don’t think is the healthy response! But yeah, just wanted to say I can relate, and it is very frustrating. xxxx

  4. I just wanted you to know that I can relate. I just had to give up my stash of pills that I’ve been hoarding for the past three months or so. I understand the need to having something there for when things get bad. However, I think the people around you, who are supporting you, just want to feel safe. Take care.

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