Day 17 at The H Clinic

I don’t actually know why some people keep persisting on trying to help me, believing I will improve. In my perspective it’s an exercise in futility. My relatives make it sound so easy. “Don’t do this type of thing [overdosing] again. Instead call us and there will be someone who will help.” Dr T tells me today her concern is that overdosing will become habitual for me as a way to cope, and the aim is that I don’t end up turning to overdosing again. According to her, every time an overdose occurs people forget all they have learnt and it becomes a big setback in recovery. It sounds an unrealistic goal, to not keep overdosing, and I tell her so. She then says that maybe I shouldn’t be going to Uni then, as that’s another pressure on top of trying to recover. I point out that my overdosing occurs irrespective of whether I’m attending Uni or not. She acknowledges this, then asks whether it’s fair on the Uni and on the other students. She uses an employer as an analogy. If I were an employer, would I be wanting an employee to overdose, come back to work, overdose, come back to work, repeatedly? Or would I tell them to take time off to sort things out before coming back when they’re ready?

I can kind of see where she’s coming from. The way I see it though, my overdosing is just going to keep happening. And so the way to go about this is to continue attending Uni, if it happens that I overdose, well, it happens, I take a couple of days to recover from it physically, whatever, and then continue chugging along with working towards my degree. An ideal way to progress through Uni? Admittedly no, but recovery seems so, so unattainable. Might as well be overdosing and attempting Uni rather than overdosing as well as doing bugger-all with my life.

My dose of Pristiq was increased again to 150mg. Dr T tells me she will see me again on Wednesday before setting a discharge date. Third week in hospital? Shoot me now. It’s not a good sign either when I barely recognise faces around the ward anymore, many of the people who were here when I arrived have been discharged it seems. Maybe I should have just gone to the public psych ward. As unpleasant as they are I’m almost certain they wouldn’t keep me this long; pressure on beds, others are sicker who need an admission and all that.

I remember scoffing at my aunt upon my discharge from the Emergency Department, prior to arriving at H Clinic, when she warned me of being stuck in a psych ward for a month, as her husband was ten years ago when he attempted suicide. At the time I thought the idea ludicrous given my last admission was only for three days. I’m not that sick, so as if they would keep me that long. I originally thought about a week, tops. Fml for being so wrong.

5 thoughts on “Day 17 at The H Clinic

  1. I’ve just been catching up on your blog and am sorry to hear you’re still in hospital. I’m glad people haven’t given up on trying to help you though. I know everything probably seems shit right now, but I do believe you can be helped. *hugs*

    I guess you’ll know for yourself how uni affects you, and whether it’s too much pressure/making things worse, or whether it’s actually good for you to have something else in your life besides your mental health issues. For me it’s usually the latter, but there have been times when I just couldn’t cope and needed some time out.

    Moon Tree x

  2. Hi,

    I understand what it’s like to be unwell and also be trying to do uni and placements at the same time. I got cornered by the professionals and was made to tell uni what was going on as they thought I was possibly a risk to others and too vulnerable to be working with others. It’s all in my blog. But anyway, my concern would be if you are overdosing and working with vulnerable people what happens should you collapse at work or something like that?

    I know this is a bit pot calling kettle (if you read my blog you will get what I mean), but it’s one of the things that keeps being brought up with me. That the self harm may Physiologically effect me and effect my work. So, perhaps taking some time to focus on you may be for the best (and yeah I know take my own medicine lol). xxxxxxxx

  3. I know it all sounds pointless and hopeless and I felt the same at the age you are. It tooka while but it did get better eventually with a bit of hard work by me and some time. I hope that prisiq works, I am on it and it’s worked well for me.

  4. just picking up on posts after a while out of things.

    my two pennorth is that you should stick with uni as much as you can. if it interferes with your mental health, then that’s a different question. but to say “oh, you’re being unfair to your uni” is unfair. your being ill is exactly like having kids. an employer can’t make employees feel guilty for taking mat leave, coming back to work, but then having to take time off for said kids medical appts or soccer final. so your *doctor* trying to guilt trip you re:mental health ‘interfering’ with the normal lives of those around you … arsehole.

    meanwhile, if you can make it through the next few years (both life & uni), you’ll have a degree and a vocation, etc, to ‘live’ for and feel involved. that’s a good thing. if you don’t stick it out at uni you’ll have to be starting out again. but note, your choice- your decision, I wouldn’t judge. just pissed a dr would,

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