I want to leave.

Breakfast started off with another patient verbally attacking me. The same one who had a problem with me in group a couple of days ago. This morning she turned around and glared at me while I was in a conversation with another patient. She started saying something which I couldn’t comprehend. I was then accused of giggling at her. “No, I didn’t even do anything, I was just talking to J,” I defended myself. It was an unpleasant shock to discover someone has such a problem with me. I’m a quiet, meek person and I don’t usually find people have such strong dislike for me. As a result of this incident, I was reduced to a shaky mess and close to tears. Later on a nurse explained to me that it’s not my problem, she’s done this to other patients and nurses, she has schizophrenia and her behaviour is a result of her illness. Though it helps a bit to know this, it doesn’t stop me from being absolutely intimidated by her.

I attended art therapy group this morning. Apparently it wasn’t enough, as my nurse chided me, “It’s part of your treatment program,” when I didn’t attend the Optimal Health group. Instead I lay in bed out of exhaustion.

After two weeks of being in hospital, I’m really, really over being here. I want to leave, I want to leave, I want to leave. I am sick of being made to attend pointless groups. I do not appreciate being verbally attacked just for existing. My anxiety is worse as a result. I now feel as though everyone is judging me, hating me. Sharing a room with an eating disorder patient is not helping my own issues with purging.

I am a voluntary patient. I agreed to be admitted, I should be allowed to discharge myself. They have no reason to schedule me either. I’m displeased that Dr T didn’t turn up today like she said she would because it means at least another day before I tell her what I want to tell her: I. Want. To. Leave.

Now.

7 thoughts on “I want to leave.

  1. Oh trust me, I know that feeling of needing to get out. It’s awful. And the whole “voluntary” thing? Yeah, that’s a joke. It may start out as voluntary, but at least here in America it never ends as voluntary. (Or at least that has been my experience.)

    I know it’s hard to go to groups sometimes, but maybe if the doctors and nurses saw you going to them they would maybe discharge you sooner. And who knows– maybe one of them will teach you something you don’t know.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

  2. Sorry to hear you’ve had to go through this. I have also experience this but not in hospital. I didn’t keep my cool and told them to fuck off. Which pissed her off more but whatever. I am sorry it has increased your anxiety. I would maybe tell the nurses whenever she does it and they will have a talk to her.
    *huge hugs*
    Sarah

  3. You are doing much better than I ever would in a situation like that. Professionally I can handle people in that situation, but put me in there as a patient also I think I would have snapped long before now, retaliated and stormed off the ward. So keep going, and hopefully it wont be much longer now. xxxxx

  4. Can definitely relate to this! It gets kind of tiring when people insist ways in which you can/should feel better. It is up to the individual to choose a path, (if any) that is suitable for their recovery. I know that being young (I’m 18) leads people to judge you more as a lost soul, or attention seeker who is”just trying to find their way”. That’s such a patronising view point and a prejudice that seems to be quite firmly embedded in the psychiatric profession. So.. I have spent the past 5 and a half weeks in psych wards, where I did get a diagnosis, and a few very beneficial things have been drawn from my experience… however the 2nd psych ward I was on was just so lonely and made me so frustrated. I can’t say hospital has reconstructed my outlook on life either, I’m not sure it really can do that for me, it was just a semi safe place I could rest for a while. Now I’m out, back to square one. Yippee.

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