How did it get to this point?

At this stage I’m still trying to piece together all that’s happened. What felt like a dream turned out to be reality. Fragments are there. Awaking briefly in the ambulance with a female ambulance officer and an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. Drift out. Sitting on a hospital bed trying to put a hospital gown on and being told no by the nurses when I tried to put on my singlet underneath. Drift out. My aunt and my brother sitting beside me while I lay on the bed. Drift out. Staggering to the toilet in my groggy state, having to be assisted by a nurse as I was tripping over my feet trying to walk. The nurse remaining in the toilet while I attended to my needs to make sure I didn’t fall over. Her expressing her disapproval as she saw the self harm scars on my thighs. Drift out. Searching my bag for my water bottle in my confused state and being told by the nurse to stop, as there was none in there. I was fading in and out of consciousness. My fourteen year old brother later filled in some of the gaps for me. Like him receiving a call on the landline from St John Ambulance asking for me. Trying to wake me up, which he could not. Being told to turn me on my side and that an ambulance would be there soon. That I awoke when the paramedics arrived but had difficulty walking. That the male ambulance officer asked whether they should bring out the stretcher and the female replied, “Nah, she can walk.” I was surprised to discover I actually walked out of the house, though heavily assisted, and even more surprised to find I cannot remember any of it.

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Third time in a period of less than a year ending up at the ED after an overdose. How did it get to this? The options are getting less and less, and more and more dire as it progresses. The first time I was sent home. The second time I was given the option of going home, being admitted to a public hospital or private hospital. This time…I don’t think I was given the choice of going home. I agreed to be admitted to a private hospital. “Do you need to be locked up?” the mental health nurse asked me. And I don’t think he was joking either, as he went on to further explain that to be admitted to a private hospital, you need to be able to keep yourself relatively safe. How did it get to this point, where it is questioned as to whether I need to be ‘locked up’?

My friends, family and relatives, they tell me they’ve been worried, some have been in tears. I don’t understand. And they don’t understand. So while my relatives tell me this, I stare stony faced at them. I can’t, and I don’t want to see the consequences of my actions. I just don’t understand. I don’t care about myself and fail to see the ‘big deal’ of having taken an OD. This is what, my tenth OD now? But to my grandparents and aunts, this is my second, and my having a mental illness is all very new to them.

Dr T came to see me yesterday on a Saturday. I was rather impressed. We talk of the root of my depression and of my family, relatives and past conflicts. I’m reminded of my beginning realisation of how much our childhoods actually impact on our futures. I’ve also been switched back to Lexapro.

Today I still find myself up and down. It’s when I find myself alone with my thoughts that I feel the worst. I’m still flirting with the idea of trying to off myself again once I’m home. Having thoughts of walking out of here, running away. Trying to hang myself or OD somehow, here on the ward. Except, I’m too much of a wuss to do any of those things. Plus I don’t want the threat of being locked up to become a reality. And so I just cry. And want to die. And feel stuck within myself. My nurse this morning made me promise to keep myself safe whilst on her shift. Righto, does that make it okay so long as it’s not on your shift then?

I’ve told my Uni friends I’m in a mental health clinic and have agreed to them visiting me at some point. I’ve never been this open about my mental health issues before. Am I making the right decision? I’m not too sure.

My parents return home from overseas early tomorrow morning. I face this with fear and trepidation. I’m worried, very worried about their reaction and what they will say.

The question going round and round in my mind is, ‘How did it get to this point?’ I’m still getting my head around the idea that I will be in here about a couple of weeks.

6 thoughts on “How did it get to this point?

  1. You will get through this, sweetie. You are SO SO SOOO loved and worthy of this life. Look at how many people love you and are worried about you. And I’m SO proud of you for telling your Uni friends about where you are. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Take your time in there and reach out when you need to. You are loved. ♥

  2. Its hard to kno what to say without sounding patronising or repetitive. But I felt I had to say something. I’m so sorry that you feel this way, I’m so sorry you are suffering. I’m in the same place in my own head. I don’t want you to die. People need u to live to tell this. If not ur fam and friends then the people who need to hear ur story. You have too much left to give, and it would be such a huge waste for you to leave now. Please hang on. Please believe that you are worth the fight. You can’t give up yet. You have so much more to offer. So many lessons u still need to learn and so many beautiful thoughts that the world needs to listen to. Hang in there pet. Sending you love. Xxxxxx

  3. I know the depression is really hard to deal with but at least you are in the right place. Just go with it and hopefully the doc will help. They won’t let you go until they think you are well enough, so don’t worry about being kicked out. If you harm yourself or run away, you will be put on a higher category and if it gets too bad, you will find yourself with a new best friend [nurse] watching your every move. Please try and stay safe. When I ran away in my clinic once, they put me on a category four, where I had all my stuff taken away, I had to stay in PJs and I couldn’t even go into the dining room. I had to stay between the corridor end and the medication room. It sucked. They will also transfer you to a public hospital if you become too unsafe because Ramsay Health don’t look after emergency cases where someone is so safe that they will try and suicide and you don’t want that. Be safe my friend.
    *hugs*
    Sarah

  4. OH BABE-
    stay strong, hang in there. hopefully the private hospital will help. Hopefully you can stay safe. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. you can get through this period. you can. I know you can. You’ve been such a great support to me that I can’t imagine not having you around. I love you!

    xoxo
    -Lisa

  5. I am sorry you are in this bad a state BtF. I really hope you’ll be able to keep yourself safe. It is no fun being locked up, as you can probably imagine.

    By the way, I can relate to feeling like my crisis was a dream, even though in mine, I was fully conscious all through. It sucks not understanding what happened sometimes, but it may be best that you do not know all the details.

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