Text message, self harm & Uni grades

*Trigger: self harm*

Received a text message from R at just after noon today informing me that she’s sent off a progress report to Dr T and rang her rooms to confirm she’s received it. Apparently Dr T is still not in office today, but will be present tomorrow, and thus has been asked to call R back when she is. I wonder if this never-ending saga of waiting really will end tomorrow…?

Today I discovered another reason why self harm is not a very healthy coping mechanism. The wounds may not be deep enough to be dire, as in my case, but it does spread. For the past six years I have always cut on my thighs or occasionally my hips. I never really got why people cut on their arms, somewhere so obvious and difficult to cover up. Recently however, I’ve taken to cutting my arms. Not a lot, I’ve only made four marks so far. But I am a little worried about my arms starting to resemble my thighs. Six/seven years of harming myself has led to thighs covered in scars and I have next to no space left to cut there. And so, I have started on my arms. When I think about it logically, I know it’s stupid. I cannot tolerate wearing long sleeves in warm weather. But it’s also so tempting. An almost blank slate in which I can run my blade over without having to worry about cutting over old scars.

The good news I have received today though is the result for my psychology assignment submitted four weeks ago. I have obtained a 19/20! I got 95% for this assignment! 😀 My grades actually haven’t been too bad so far this semester…actually, I’m really pleased. As well as the 95%, I got an 80% for the MCQ test in the same unit. I got 90% for the first MCQ test in my human biology unit. For the group assignment in Health & Occupation, we apparently scored 78%. Dr T has in the past alluded to the idea that I’m using depression as an excuse for failing in my studies, I’m ‘out of my depth’ studying at Uni and Uni is the cause of my depression. I’m glad I have these marks behind me to prove her wrong.  I’ve become rather unwell these past three weeks and prior to that my Uni grades has been fine. If bad grades are the root of my depression then surely I’d be a bouncing ball of joy right now? Furthermore, if my marks do start going downhill as a result of how depressed I’ve been, I hope that adds at least some ammunition to my argument, that I’m not simply using depression as an excuse. With how unmotivated I’ve been, I’m afraid my marks taking a turn for the worst may become a reality. :/

6 thoughts on “Text message, self harm & Uni grades

  1. I find that the urge I get is location specific. I kept it to my thigh for a year but yeah, arms are scarred now. Now when I need to SH it’s like “have to cut on this part of my body and have to cut in this certain way” not just, have to cut. It’s weird as O.o

    Congrats on your exam by the way, that’s really brilliant! 🙂

  2. my mother says things very similair.She often says that i am ‘out of my depth’ at university. That i obviously like being depressed and ‘fucked up’ because otherwise why would i take such a depressing subject as a degree. People dont realise how much we can learn about ourselves, other people and the world by studying such subjects. If you approach it as a trigger, or as a ‘solution’ thenj fair enough, you will be screwed….but i dont think you are out of your depth. and i dont think for a minute that you use it as an ‘excuse’ when you do badly. You dont strike me EVER as a person who uses excuses, or wishes to remain ill deep down. Keep it up sweetheart, im rooting for you to pull through and use your talents! xxx

  3. Congrats on your grades. It’s good to hear that you are doing so well in this course. I hope things continue on the up and up with it. In relation to self harm on the arms, I am one of those that do that. I don’t recommend it mainly because I have hundreds of white scars all over my arms that are noticable for what they are when people see them. I don’t cover up. I also have two fresh scars and I really wish that I hadn’t done them and now I can’t change it with my bright purple scars. I’m not telling you to start cutting somewhere else but try and think of the ramifications in the future if you keep self harming on your arms and anywhere else for that matter.

  4. Yay for the good grades! That always feels good.

    I can relate on the self harm. I, too, used to only stick to my thighs, hips, and the part of my wrist hidden by a really big watch. But a few months ago when I was feeling acutely suicidal I decided I was going to really fuck my arms up. That was December, and I’m still wearing long sleeves…

    With self harm, what sounds so beautiful in the moment has such lasting consequences.

    Take care of yourself.

  5. Congrats on the good grades! I can relate to being told I take a depressing subject (I study psychology too), or in my case it’s often that I’m obsessing with myself or something. If non-mentals chose psychology as a subject to study, they wouldn’t get this commentary.

  6. I feel you. I cut on my legs and occasionally hips for 5/6 years, but in the past year I started on my wrists. It’s a different kind of feeling on arms, and just so very tempting seeing the clear skin. So I totally understand that. It’s definitely a pain for hiding, though.

    Well done on the good grades (: I feel like you do a lot; tired, down and completely unmotivated. I’m very worried about what effect that will have on my exams this month. I don’t feel ready to sit them at all.

    I hope things get sorted out with your psychiatrist. It’s completely stupid and unprofessional the way they’re treating you. *hugs*

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