*Trigger: self harm*
Received a text message from R at just after noon today informing me that she’s sent off a progress report to Dr T and rang her rooms to confirm she’s received it. Apparently Dr T is still not in office today, but will be present tomorrow, and thus has been asked to call R back when she is. I wonder if this never-ending saga of waiting really will end tomorrow…?
Today I discovered another reason why self harm is not a very healthy coping mechanism. The wounds may not be deep enough to be dire, as in my case, but it does spread. For the past six years I have always cut on my thighs or occasionally my hips. I never really got why people cut on their arms, somewhere so obvious and difficult to cover up. Recently however, I’ve taken to cutting my arms. Not a lot, I’ve only made four marks so far. But I am a little worried about my arms starting to resemble my thighs. Six/seven years of harming myself has led to thighs covered in scars and I have next to no space left to cut there. And so, I have started on my arms. When I think about it logically, I know it’s stupid. I cannot tolerate wearing long sleeves in warm weather. But it’s also so tempting. An almost blank slate in which I can run my blade over without having to worry about cutting over old scars.
The good news I have received today though is the result for my psychology assignment submitted four weeks ago. I have obtained a 19/20! I got 95% for this assignment! 😀 My grades actually haven’t been too bad so far this semester…actually, I’m really pleased. As well as the 95%, I got an 80% for the MCQ test in the same unit. I got 90% for the first MCQ test in my human biology unit. For the group assignment in Health & Occupation, we apparently scored 78%. Dr T has in the past alluded to the idea that I’m using depression as an excuse for failing in my studies, I’m ‘out of my depth’ studying at Uni and Uni is the cause of my depression. I’m glad I have these marks behind me to prove her wrong. I’ve become rather unwell these past three weeks and prior to that my Uni grades has been fine. If bad grades are the root of my depression then surely I’d be a bouncing ball of joy right now? Furthermore, if my marks do start going downhill as a result of how depressed I’ve been, I hope that adds at least some ammunition to my argument, that I’m not simply using depression as an excuse. With how unmotivated I’ve been, I’m afraid my marks taking a turn for the worst may become a reality.