Yesterday I went for my appointment with R. I was asked whether I had heard from Dr T. The answer was ‘No.’ R then told me she hadn’t been contacted back either, and the assumption is that Dr T’s on holiday. Either that, or she can’t be bothered.
R then dropped the news that she would be away for three weeks and she’s fully booked next week. This means I will not see her at all during the month of May and my next appointment is scheduled on the 4th of June. I’ve since realised that is the weekend before the commencement of my exams, thus I will need to cancel.
I was given the DASS questionnaire to complete, identical to the one I filled in when I first started seeing her. Anxiety was about the same compared to last time, stress had gone up a bit from ‘normal’ to ‘moderate’ and depression had jumped to the ‘extremely severe’ range. I was told she would send a progress report to Dr T, notify her that she would be away for three weeks and attempt to get in touch with her again to see what the options are and whether she agrees I should be admitted to hospital.
R consulted me as to whether I’d be okay with sending off a referral to the social anxiety group program she had previously mentioned. I responded something along the lines of ‘I don’t care’ and right now it ‘feels pointless.’ It’s difficult to find the motivation to want to conquer my social anxiety when I’m overcome with misery and just trying to get through the day. She’s sent off the referral anyway advising me that if I don’t feel it’s the right time I can just say no and ask to stay on the waiting list.
Tears had been silently falling at intervals throughout the session, but towards the end there was a spectacular show of me bawling my eyes out. Crying in despair as I had been holding on until this session, I’m going to be left without support for the next month, so now what am I to do? She told me she was concerned. Still, that didn’t stop her from kicking me out of her office, as time was up and her next client was waiting. I was told that if she has a cancellation next week she’d offer me the appointment time.
R gave me the business card of her colleague, whom I could call while she was away. Right. I’m unable to call even her if I’m in a crisis, what makes her think I’d be able to call a complete stranger, who doesn’t receive payment from me, and thus has no obligation to speak to me? I was also given R’s email, as she said she’d still be checking it even when she’s on holiday.
I’m hoping Dr T is back in office this week and hanging on for the possibility of more support. And if not…hmm…