I never really *got* why self harm was so bad. But today….I think I may be starting to get it. What it is about self harm that makes it so maladaptive.
They say self harm gets worse over time. I didn’t see that in myself. When I cut, my wounds are always superficial and they haven’t become deeper over the years. I’ve been cutting myself for seven years too. What I failed to acknowledge is that cutting is just one aspect of my self harm. That may have stayed the same over the years but other forms have not.
The first time I took an overdose was when things got really bad and I wanted to die. These days I find myself chucking pills down my throat even when things aren’t at that stage. In other words, I now take small overdoses as an alternative to cutting at times. The scary thing is that I can see what harm I’m doing when I cut, but there’s no way of knowing what internal damage I’m doing to myself by taking these amounts and combinations of pills.
It’s easy to look back in hindsight and think, ‘Gosh, what was the point of that? That was stupid.’ It’s harder in the moment. But I am beginning to realise that self harm is dangerous. The severity and frequency does increase over time. Something I hadn’t comprehended until today, when I’ve overdosed twice in less than two weeks and my body has become accustomed that I haven’t even vomited the past two times.