Pdoc appointment, tears and more tears

I am absolutely disgusted with myself for doing this. Cringing with embarrassment just thinking about it. I know, lots of people cry in their psychologist or psychiatrist appointments. I could excuse myself if I had a justifiable reason to cry, as I did last August when I had an appointment with my psychiatrist right after I was discharged from the ED. But this, this was just pathetic. I was asked by Dr T how my mood has been. In response I said, “Not that good…” She inquired as to why. I answered that I was feeling alone and like no one cares, and promptly started tearing up. Stupidstupidstupid. I will endeavour not to display such vulnerability for something so trivial in the future. In addition to the tears, I also said more than I should have. Something along the lines of what I wrote in this post. Just to add to my mortification.

Towards the end of the session, Dr T spoke of the issues of being stuck, turning to those old behaviours of overdosing and self harming, the fact that she nor anyone else can make me stop self harming- you can put someone in hospital but eventually they’ll have to leave, medication can only do so much, I have to choose to want to help myself and I have to believe that things can change- all of which can’t happen if I’m dead. To which I responded that it’s hard to believe things can be different when it’s been this way for so so long and that I have no incentive to change these self destructive behaviours- I don’t care enough about myself to do that. A discussion that has generated lots and lots of tears as I’ve ruminated on it throughout the day. Why must this be so gosh damn freakin’ difficult???? 😦 😦 😦

Last appointment with my psychologist R, she suggested attending a social anxiety group therapy program run by a colleague of hers. The program is apparently ‘really good.’ I mentioned this to Dr T today and she was rather keen on the idea. Refer to this group, refer to that group, don’t hear from this group, don’t hear from that group… Hmm…

I was asked by Dr T if R and I had discussed payment options after I’ve used up my allowance of eighteen subsidised sessions per annum, courtesy of Medicare. Umm no, I assumed that I’d just stop seeing her, until at least next year…

Upon presenting at the reception for payment, Dr T’s secretary informed me that my GP referral expires on the 28th of May. Having never stuck to a psychiatrist or psychologist for more than a year prior to this (heh), I wasn’t aware that GP referrals for a specialist are only valid for a year. Which is great because the GP I saw last year has moved practices, and seeing a new GP for mental health issues is always really fun. Though my Uni does have GPs, and Dr T has given me the names of two who are apparently good, and good with mental health issues too.

But geez, a year… One year has passed and I’ve made what feels like, and probably is, zero progress. That’s a fun realisation to make…


10 thoughts on “Pdoc appointment, tears and more tears

  1. *hugs*

    I utterly loathe crying in appointments too, but I think feeling so alone seems a legitimate reason to do it, hun.

    I don’t have anything remotely useful to say, but I wanted to let you know that I’d read this and that I care.


  2. Oh being seen crying is the worst. I got really pissed off at my self when I cried once too. Also I totally understand where you’re coming from with the ‘no incentive to change/don’t care about yourself enough’ thing. I’ve spent countless hours arguing that I can’t stop my behaviours when I feel so depressed which of course the doctors/psychs just ignore but whatever.

  3. ” it’s hard to believe things can be different when it’s been this way for so so long and that I have no incentive to change these self destructive behaviours” … this statement hurts a little because it cuts too close. I feel the same way, and I wish I knew how to make it go away. I know I sabotage myself, but I can’t stop those behaviors.

  4. I hate crying in front of my therapist and have only done so out rightly once. I was mortified when it happened. But if there is one thing that can bring me to tears is the reasons you mentioned. I do think it’s a justifiable reason to cry.

    I think it’s strange that a referral is only valid for a year. I haven’t ever heard of that. In Canada, in the province I live in anyway, one referral is all that’s ever needed. I have been seeing my pdoc for about four years now and he gives updates in writing to my referring physician every so often. And now that I’ve seen him, when I quit I can go back without another referral.

  5. its not really a new referral just a doctors reccomendation that you continue to see the same doctor, so you can recieve subsidised or free treatment which reminds me, my referral runs out soon… i don’t know which doctor i want to be referred to because I like my new pdoc that is replacing my pdoc temporarily while she is on maternity leave but I like my old pdoc too. 😦

  6. Aaarrrrggghhh! Why are we expected to navigate all that legal and financial bullshit when we’re depressed or otherwise incapacitated, and always more or less on our own?!

    And I hate that about depression that it always makes me feel like it’s been around forever, and it’ll be around forever, just a fact, no viable alternative, no solution, no light at the end of that tunnel. I’ve heard that’s not true, but I haven’t found a consistent way out of it yet, either.

    But RE: crying in office … unless you’re vulnerable with your psych docs, you won’t stand much chance of getting better … at least that’s what I tell myself …

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