Every 4 months…

I need to get scared out of doing this. I need to hear that it can cause damage to my body. Yet, when I do get told, it’s met with disbelief and doubt. Liver damage and liver transplant? Nah, it won’t happen. Next time if I go into cardiac arrest a defibrillator may not work as well as a result? Nah, I’m sure the damage isn’t be permanent. I’m convinced they’re telling me this just to scare me, or they’re exaggerating the effects.

Don’t know what it is about the four month mark. April 2010, August 2010, December 2010, April 2011…

Don’t know why I did it either.

I guess part of me reasons that if I don’t portray it on the outside, people won’t believe how awful I’m feeling on the inside. I’m afraid that if I don’t keep up with this pattern, people will automatically assume I’m better, even when I’m not.

Part of it too is the void I feel. On Saturday when I had an appointment with my psychologist we discussed my parents; the emotional support that wasn’t present while I was growing up, my father’s reaction when I ended up in hospital in August last year, my parents not writing me an affirmation letter at Year 12 Retreat when most other students received one… That same evening I attended an Awards Night as our volunteer group for a youth mental health organisation were finalists. We ended up receiving Highly Commended, and in our celebrations one of the staff hugged me. She’s a middle aged woman and a mother herself, and it made me realise how much I crave that from my own parents, or at least a mother or father figure. Emotional support, affection, comfort, the sense that they care… Stupid really.

And now I’m off to sleep at 10pm, because sleeping from approximately 11pm last night ’til 2pm this afternoon just wasn’t enough…

5 thoughts on “Every 4 months…

  1. I’m not good with words of comfort but I think I know a bit about how you feel when I read about part of the reason why you did what you did. I guess I used to and still at times feel the same way.

    And I don’t think it’s stupid for wanting those things from your parents 😦

    Have a good rest

  2. I agree with Ollie; it’s not stupid in the least.

    I’m so sorry, lovely. I wish I had something useful to say, and I wish I could take your pain away. I can’t, so just know I’m thinking of you and sending massive but gentle virtual hugs, for what they’re worth.

    Be kind to yourself.

    Love Pan x

  3. I really know what you mean. My mum used to emotionally abuse me and physically abuse me as a child. I was always pinning for her attention in a positive way but she was always dismissing me. My dad just sat by and let her do what she did. Even today, years later, I still have trouble with my mum only giving the support she wants to and not what I need and it hurts so much. My dad only wants me when he wants something, not when I need a chat or when I need something from him. It sucks. I hope you don’t go and OD, after a time it really does do damage. I would hate to see you really harm yourself. Sometimes saying “help” is the way, although it is really hard. Can you talk to your psych about this?

  4. I really, really get what you’re saying about showing outward signs of struggle. That’s my eating disorder in a nutshell (or at least part of it). But we need to replace these self-destructive behaviors with words– either talking to someone or blogging or both. It’s so much more productive and healthy. And it usually doesn’t kill you like an eating disorder or overdose can.

    Wishing you well,

  5. I totally empathise with you with the parents not being as supportive as you want. When I was an inpatient, my dad only visited once, he didn’t really understand or try to. I understand the trying to make the pain visible on the outside. It’s awful that people with mental illness have to go to these extremes to express their pain. I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so bad. I don’t know your diagnosis but there is a therapy called DBT it’s mainly used for BPD or Eating Disorders but can probably help anyone who has difficulty coping with strong emotions. (God, I hate that criteria, I don’t know anyone that is good at dealing with strong emotions!)

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