Why do people engage in therapy? Or more specifically, why do I attend therapy? What do I think I can get out of it? It’s the day before my first appointment with psychologist number three that I’m pondering these questions.
I’ve been asked something along those lines before. Why am I seated on the couch in their consulting room? My honest answer? Because my psychiatrist referred me to you. Because apparently therapy is the *should* thing to do for depression, anxiety, self harm and overdosing.
Even better is when I’m asked by the psychologist what I’m hoping to achieve by engaging in therapy. What do I want out of therapy? To cease my self harm? Nah, but I don’t see all that much wrong with it in the first place. To learn how to cope with my depression and anxiety? Yeah, a reduction in the symptoms would be nice, but nah, too much effort involved with achieving the outcome and frankly I can’t be screwed. In the past I’ve answered, ‘To learn to cope better,’ coz ya know, I had to give some sort of an answer. But then they want to explore this further. How would you like to cope better? Well, I don’t know!
I was once questioned in a session with psychologist #2, ‘What would help you? What can I do to help you?’ This was met with umm-ing and ahh-ing and the session finished early as I was unable to provide an answer and we therefore ran out of things to talk about.
I’m envisioning that if I’m asked these sorts of questions tomorrow, there will be a whole lot of I-don’t-know-ing coming from me. I don’t know how therapy can help me, I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by being there, I don’t know what the point is in seeing a psychologist, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I swear I say ‘I don’t know’ more than I do anything of actual importance.