Cutting back on food *PT- EDs*

These past few days, the Wii Fit has reported back to me that I’m ‘underweight’. Barely, but underweight nonetheless. Prior to this, the whole month that we’ve had it, it had told me I was of a ‘healthy weight’. I believe I had found my body’s set-point. I was eating cakes, sweets, chocolate, fried food, and my weight was remaining relatively stable.

It’s hard to believe a simple statement of opinion could have such immense impact. But ever since my grandma, aunt and uncles’ comments, I’ve reacted by turning back to old behaviours. Cutting back on food. Food that just two weeks ago, I would have happily dug into. Lying to my mother, telling her I’d eaten sandwiches when in reality all I’d consumed was a Coke Zero. Purging after dinner, despite it not even being a very large one by ordinary standards. Being too afraid to swallow and instead chewing and spitting cake and cookies into the bin. Weighing myself a few times a day and being thrilled when the number has dropped and being mad at myself, wanting to slice off my flesh when the number’s gone up.

This could go two ways. I could grow weary with the restriction game, get too hungry, give in to temptation and resume normal eating habits. Or it could all go downhill and I end up with the symptoms of an eating disorder. Again.

There is a part of me that’s disappointed with myself. I really thought I was over this particular aspect of my mental illnesses and when I look back on my blog, it’s been six months since the last ED themed post. The lure of thinness and a decreasing number on the scale is also strong however. Stronger than my appetite for food and a desire to be healthy and free from an eating disorder? I’m not sure.

7 thoughts on “Cutting back on food *PT- EDs*

  1. I hope you don’t end up developing full-blown ED behavior again. That would be so sad and rather unhealthy. I don’t mean this to offend, but I’m seriously concerned about your health, and hope you grow tired of purging/restricting. I’m really sorry your family’s comments had such a serious impact that you might be relapsing into ED.

  2. Please be careful. You know how slippery this slope can be. The extreme happiness when the scale goes down, yet extreme hate when it goes up, even the slightest bit. It’s is a scary ride. I hope that with your awareness you may be able to ‘control’ the beast that ED is.

    Please try to take care.
    xx afterglow

  3. I’m with Afterglow5. Eating disordered behaviors are addictive and they take over lives. You do NOT want to live through what I’ve lived through in terms of my eating disorder. Or even if you have had experiences like mine, you do NOT want to have them again. I care about you, I really do.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

  4. I’m so sorry things aren’t going so well right now. I have no experience with ED but please feel better soon and get back to healthy eating habits.

    Take good care of yourself
    -Ollie

  5. I’m really sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time. Please be care and take care of yourself. I commend your awareness and concern surrounding the whole situation — that’s definitely a good song. I recently thought I was headed down a similar path and was able to turn it around thanks to people’s suggestions and support on my blog and my early detection, concern, and awareness. Wishing you all the best — I know this is a difficult situation. *hugs*

  6. Sadly, it seems I can relate to you all too much. This past week has seen me become really concerned with my weight and beginning to really admit that I do have an eating disorder and have been battling one for 20 years. I hate the weight I have gained and have happily blamed medication but the reality is I have been comfort eating, I have taken to some unadvisable habits to curb my eating and but now do anything in order to lose these pounds gained.

  7. {{{hugs}}} I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this, and quite angry at your family for the comments they made – even if you’d not experienced Eating Disordered behaviour before such comments are so, so damaging.

    I’d say I hope you grow tired of binge/purging, but what I really mean is that I hope that you realise that you are a beautiful person no matter what you eat or weigh and that being a “healthy” weight is well… healthy, which is something you deserve. And I hope you kick EDs butt.

    Take care,
    Differently

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