One month on

Looking at today’s date, I realise it’s been one month since I overdosed and was subsequently admitted to the psych ward. I am overcome with a mix of emotions. Regret that things have not really changed since my admission. Glad that I’m physically well. Mournful that it came to that. A sense of accomplishment that I’m still here, trying to survive. I don’t know what I feel and in many ways it’s a lot easier to just cut than to deal with these emotions.

A month has passed, and in terms of getting help, things have not moved forward. The hospital Self Harm and Crisis Counselling Service never did contact me, which is a shame given that they offer free counselling in the months after discharge. The DBT coordinator has yet to phone, after that call from the hospital with news of receipt of the referral, I really thought it gave signal to a fast and efficient intake. But it seems not, the hospital/DBT staff are handling this in accordance with how I’m usually handled by professionals. Neither have I made an appointment with one of the two clinical psychologists Dr T gave me the number of, but that stems from my own cowardice.

Less than a week ago I found myself once again sobbing with the pain of it all, feeling hopeless and out of control and wanting to overdose. I almost dialled the number I was given, the psychiatric triage of my local public hospital. A few things stopped me. The anxiety of making the call for one. The knowledge that if I did call, what could they do anyway? Also factored in, I am flying to Indonesia in a couple of days to bring my grandmother here to Australia for a visit and it would be a little bit selfish to ruin everyone’s plans. Thus, no matter how awful I felt I wouldn’t really overdose right before my trip overseas.

Thankfully, my mood has improved since then. There have been times where I have wanted to be back on the ward. But for now, I am glad to be curled up with a Jodi Picoult novel in the comfort of my own bed, instead of a psych ward with the air of loneliness and tears.

3 thoughts on “One month on

  1. hugs i just set my emotions of with eminem a favorite song but its so evill i might my first and i was playing this song why cant i get threw the barrier of pain with this im glad your mood has improved hope it keeps up

  2. {{{hugs}}} Hope the trip goes well. Sorry you don’t feel anything’s changed. Would it be possible to contact the DBT people or Self Harm people maybe? I know when I feel nothing’s going anywhere I start calling anyone and everyone just in case… of course it rarely achieves much other than a hefty phone bill but it makes me feel better. And on occasion I get the – “oh yeah we tried to contact you but failed so gave up” excuse, which I know is a lie because my phone never rang, but hey they might always have written the number down wrong… (yes I cling to any shred of hope)…

    Take care,
    Differently

    PS sorry for the long, waffly comment

  3. I felt the same after my overdose too. And I think to some extent I still do. I am guessing it’s because I felt and expected things to change after that. “I’ve been to hell and back, it can only get better from now on” “Nothing’s changed much, how am I supposed to feel now”? A lot of people will tell us that we should be thankful and glad that we’re still alive and well but I don’t think we should be expected to feel one way or another.

    Is there any way you can contact those people by email instead? I used to be really bad with phone calls so I usually use email (or SMS when it came to my psychologist) to contact people.

    Anyway, glad to know your mood’s improved. Indonesia might be a good break for you 🙂

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