This is what I posted as a status update on my ‘real life’ Facebook account on Friday;
I cannot keep falling like this, I NEED to get my act together for 2011.
A few friends commented, and I hereby post the more relevant comments to do with this post;
N: Recovery takes hard work and commitment. It’s so easy to say to ourselves that “we’re not sick enough” or “it’s ok his once” but the reality is that to recover you’ve got to stick with treatment – even when you do t feel like it, or don’t feel sick enough or really don’t give a shit. It’s gonna take a long time. It will try you, make you upset, angry, etc. But recovery means making a lot of changes, and making them with the full knowledge that you can’t go back. I know you’re capable of it, if that’s what you want. But I also can’t tell you it’ll be ok – just because you deserve it. You do deserve for everything to be ok, but he world doesn’t work that way, unfortunately and we must fight the fight to get ourselves well. Take care of YOU miss BtF. Xx
Me: You’re right N, as much as the truth is hard. It is so easy to give up on recovery when it seems too difficult. But I really do need to get my act together next year- I want to succeed in OT, dammit! I’m telling myself I’m going to be compliant with meds- no stopping them myself again. I’m going to give that DBT a go, providing my pdoc agrees. I need to stop ending up in the ED. And one IP admission this year is enough. I need to make some changes, I really do. But it’s easier said than done… and is going to take time and lots of hard work.
L: I was meant to be doing the year-long DBT course at [hospital], but the time commitment meant that I couldn’t – it’s one group session and one compulsory pdoc session per week and you can’t miss many, so not particularly uni-friendly. It’s apparently very good though, female only, and the lady who runs it, S, is very lovely. Otherwise I think [Group place] run similar short courses using a lot of DBT style stuff. I did a couple there after IP last year and they were really quite helpful. The mindfulness stuff is great, sometimes quite hard to sit with, but really rewarding.
Me: Thanks for that L. Yeah I’ve heard DBT is pretty intense :S The pdoc when I was in IP at [hospital] was the one who recommended I do DBT- apparently the referral wouldve been sent off to my regular pdoc so I’m not sure where I’d be doing it- I shall see. x
Because of the replies I sent to my friends, gee am I in trouble…
My 17 year old cousin saw this on his News Feed while on Facebook. He told his mother, who rushed off to my grandparents house to question them about it, who then called my mother to join the party. My cousin and my aunt do not know of my mentalism. My grandparents, and obviously my mother, do. My mother spent about an hour at my grandparents house, and it’s good to know they were discussing my mental health issues behind my back.
I thought I was vague enough in my comments, but apparently not.
My mother arrived home, reported that my aunt now knows and that they advised me to delete the comments off Facebook. Coz ya know, it’s shameful to have a mental illness and all. My aunt’s reasoning is that the people at work, as we both work in the same pharmacy, may be nasty about it and start treating me differently.
I don’t want to delete the comments. I don’t want to bow down to stigma and I don’t want to submit to the shame that I should apparently feel. I was simply having a conversation with friends who have both been IP in a psych ward and were kind enough to share their experiences and some encouragement. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.
It’s not that I’m naive or too innocent to realise there is a certain stigma associated with mental illness. I know it all too well. But it’s my life, my choice, and I’m willing to take that risk in leaving those comments up there. I don’t see how that much can be grasped from it anyway? Furthermore, I posted it on Friday, it’s now Monday so a bit too late to hide it I think.
Unfortunately I will no doubt be subjected to questioning and probing by my aunt during the half hour’s drive to and from work when I’m rostered on for Wednesday. Now that’s going to be an uncomfortable conversation. This is the same aunt who thinks 17 or 18 is too young to have depression. Who also thinks that depression is a sign of weakness. Seeing her on Wednesday will be *fun*…