I am still at this point contemplating whether or not I want to cancel my next scheduled appointment with Dr T. The practice is closed from 20 December 2010 ’til 4 January 2011 which means I have to make a decision in the next couple of days. There are a few things I’d like to spend my money on. A cancellation fee for less than 24 hours notice is not one of them. She’s fit me in right at the open of their new year, a lunchtime appointment for 4th of January at 12 noon. I would feel slightly guilty cancelling when she’s squeezed me in like that, but cynical me is thinking, ‘Err, she’s only fit you in because why wouldn’t you forego your lunch break for an extra three hundred over dollars in your pocket?!’
I do have reasons for and against seeing her again.
When I’ve had abominable meetings with professionals, my distress will at times prompt me to act on impulse. Especially when it is gathered they intend on ceasing treatment with me or indeed take action in doing so. These past couple of weeks have been turbulent to say the least. The first blow came when it was implied Dr T may stop seeing me, leading me to take an overdose of Lexapro. Come two weeks later, terminating therapy with my psychologist has hit me harder than I anticipated, despite me being the one to initiate the end. These past few days have seen me fighting strong urges to overdose again, with death crowding my mind. I’m afraid going and leaving Dr T’s office for the last time may bring about a repeat episode. By not going, I would be protecting myself from the hurt of leaving with the knowledge that yet another mental health professional was unable to do anything for me.
Another reason I’m loathe to seeing her again is because I do not appreciate the one thing giving me hope for the future being stomped upon. Honest or not, being told I’m likely to struggle in Occupational Therapy next year when it is the one good thing I have going in my life, does not give me much incentive to see another year through.
So what are the reasons for seeing her then?
She could refer me to a clinical psychologist, a different one this time. With any luck, it may be third time lucky. With my luck, doubtful, but who knows…but it would save me the hassle of starting from absolute scratch in finding help for myself. If I do attend my appointment, I’ve decided I will accept her offer of a referral to a psychologist should she offer, but I’m not going to push it. If she doesn’t think I need support, then that’s just fine, she’s not the first person to have thought along those lines…
I am wondering though, does therapy really help? I’m not asking because I feel let down, I’m not asking because I’m hurt, I am genuinely doubting therapy will aid me to recovery. CBT? Tried that. Mindfulness? Tried that. Psychotherapy? Tried that. What’s next? The way I see it, I’m always going to be chronically suicidal. I’m always going to have trouble dealing with strong emotions. I’m always going to avoid, avoid, avoid my problems. Can therapy really fix all that, and more? Do people actually recover by participating in therapy? The concept seems foreign to me at the moment.
My last appointment, Dr T asked me what I wanted from treatment. My answer? “I don’t know.” I don’t know what I want, which doesn’t give much to work on in terms of what I want to achieve from treatment. Maybe I’m just not ready to work on my issues? But then again, when will I ever be?
Perhaps I should employ Differently’s method – it does seem far lass complicated to make a decision that way.